16 Valentine’s Day Things That Are Supposed To Be Sexy, But Aren’t

‘Tis the sexiest time of the year. That’s right, it’s going to be Valentine’s Day before we know it. We’ve got less than a month to go now, people. If you’ve been in any store recently, you will know that they’re loaded with romantic cards, tons of heart-shaped chocolates, and all of the adorable teddy bears. While the holiday is all about showing your love for that special someone, a lot of it involves doing it with the sexiest gifts.

There’s a reason why you’re seeing ~*sexy*~ lingerie nestled among the Valentine’s Day bears and chocolates. Somewhere along the way, everyone decided that there’s no better way to express your love for someone than with a sheer nightie and some butt floss. While there actually are some pretty hot things you can pick up for bae for V-Day, there are some that aren’t as hot as everyone thinks.

If you want to get your SO a gift that it actually sexy, listen up because these things might sound like they would fit the bill, but they really don’t. These are 16 Valentine’s Day gifts that are supposed to be all hot and sexy, but they really aren’t.

1. Feather Dustervday1

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It sounds like it’s going to be hot. You can put on a maid uniform and give bae a “good cleaning,” but soon you and bae will be sitting there staring at the feather duster thinking, what can you really do with this? You’ll probably just decide it’s best to use as an actual duster.

 

2. Complicated Lingerie

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If you cannot figure out how to put it on, don’t get it. There’s nothing sexy about you and bae spending 20 minutes trying to get you undressed. You’ll eventually both give up then you’ll have to use scissors to free yourself from the torture device that is the lingerie you’re wearing. #NotHot

 

3. Stuffed Toys

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Cute? Yes. Sexy? Not so much. It doesn’t matter if you get a bear with a “grown up” saying, it’s still a teddy bear. Plus, the R-rated bear will leave people more confused about why you would ruin such a holy kid’s toy.

 

4. Chocolate Covered Strawberries

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If you’re able to eat them freshly made, they can be great. Alas, by the time most of us get to them, the strawberries have started to dissolve and the chocolate is in a weird stage of being neither soft nor hard.

 

5. Man Thongs

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You might love thongs so it’s logical to think bae might love one, too. However, 99.9999% of dudes do not get them nor are they able to pull one off. If you’re looking for a V-Day laugh, go on and get the man thong, otherwise, stick with boxers or briefs.

 

6. R-Rated Chocolates

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It might give new meaning to the phrase “dick in a box,” but that’s as far as things go with this one. You’ll just be more confused why bae didn’t get a regular box of chocolates for half the price. At least that box of chocolates would have tasted good. That choco peen tastes like it’s been in a cupboard for years.

 

7. Chocolate Body Paint

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Chocolate is sexy and body paint can be pretty sexy, so combine the two of them together and you get something really hot, right? Not exactly. It will really just make you and bae all sticky and the “chocolate flavor” is nowhere near as good as actual chocolate.

 

8. Sex Dice

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How hot could they be? You roll the dice and you never know what you’re going to get. They might be hot for approximately three rolls, but when you keep getting “caress ear,” you and bae will abandon them and actually go and do the sexy stuff you want.

 

9. A Mask

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Anastasia Steele has that hot mask in the new Fifty Shades of Grey trailer so you probably think you should get one, too. The difference is that’s a movie involving a costume party and you’re living in the real world with bae. If you try and wear a mask out, you’ll look like a sad super hero. If you try to use it during sexy time, you’ll probably rip it off after five minutes because it will keep slipping over your face. Next.

 

10. Hand Cuffs

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Hand cuffs are one of the first things people think of when they want to spice things up in the bedroom, but they quickly realize they’re not that great. You’ll spend more time trying to figure them out than doing anything sexy. Then there is all of that unpleasant chaffing…

 

11. Massage Oil

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Let’s make a rule to save the massages to the pros. Those massage oils add nothing to an at-home massage. All they do is coat everything in a sticky film that is next to impossible to remove. Your bed sheets have been warned.

 

12. Crotchless Underwear

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Not only are most of them made out of the worst fabrics man has created, the hole is never actually on the crotch. Plus, they’re really pointless because you’re going to take them off anyways…

 

13. Complicated Sex Toys

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Your other toys may be great, but if you start over-complicating things, the only thing you will succeed in is giving yourself and bae a headache. If it needs eight batteries and you two to be in a very specific position for it to work, it’s not going to be hot. It’s just going to be frustrating.

 

14. Furry Shoes

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What person decided that furry shoes were sexy in the first place, anyways? If you want to rock some furry boots outside, do it, but avoid the furry heeled slippers. First of all, it will be a miracle if you can walk in them without the plastic heel breaking off. Second, they add nothing to sexy time. Third, the chance of someone getting impaled at some point is likely.

 

15. Edible Underwear

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Nah. Just nah. TBH, it looks about as appetizing as a regular pair of cotton undies.

 

16. Nipple Pasties

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If you like the way these look, go for it. But pasties usually end up being more trouble than they’re worth–when one of them starts falling off and ends up attached to your stomach, you will see why bras are the way to go.

 

What other Valentine’s Day gifts do you think are supposed to be sexy, but aren’t? Let us know in the comments!

You can follow the author, Heather Cichowski, on Twitter.

 

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