I have a huge problem. I don’t know if it’s me or my boyfriend. We’ve been together for ten months now and somewhere in the middle he stopped saying I love you. When confronted he just said he hates the sound of it. Does it mean he has issues loving me? Or am I thinking too much into it? Furthermore he is super nice sometimes and then he’s awfully cold again. I don’t know, it just gives me the feeling that he loves me less than before. I feel like I’m interpreting too much into this and I’m lost…
I don’t think there’s another string of three words that cause more frustration and problems than “I love you.” Whether it’s the timing or the tone, it can completely shift a relationship if a different direction, and it sounds like there are multiple problems going on with you and your boyfriend.
Before we address the fact that he’s stopped telling you and doesn’t even want to hear it, let’s consider the timing you motioned. If you’ve been together for ten months and “somewhere in the middle” he stopped, that implies you were telling each other you loved one another from day one. That, to me, is actually the first sign of a problem relationship.
It’s not only possible, but completely normal to be in a relationship, care deeply about someone, and NOT say I love you right away. That phrase should come with time, once the relationship is super solid and you’re both comfortable with taking things to that level. When people start saying it from the start, it loses much of its meaning, and leads to much more heartbreak down the line.
As much as you may have been head over heels for this guy on day one, it’s almost impossible that it was the right time for The L Word, and I think what you’re experiencing now is the side-effect of that choice.
Insofar as his lack of use, I find it completely natural as chances are, he’s not as into the relationship as he was at the beginning. You two have been together long enough that you know the ins and outs of each other, and it sounds like he just isn’t the right match for some reason or another. Each time you tell him you love him, I have no doubt it makes him feel worse, as he doesn’t want to hurt you, but probably isn’t into the relationship as much as you are.
I know it sucks to hear it, but it sounds like you should move on. Once you find Mr. Right, saying I love you will become second nature, and it’ll never be awkward or a problem. I’d take your time before you drop that phrase in your next relationship. There’s nothing wrong with waiting months until you literally have no choice but to say it. In the end, it will make for a stronger and more meaningful relationship.
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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