Recently, I read an article that said that when it comes to a healthy, successful relationship, people seriously underestimate the importance of kindness. A study was conducted that monitored the relationships of couples over years, and the ones who didn’t get a divorce showed signs that they were more attentive and empathic of one another than the couples who broke up.
When it comes to good qualities in a boyfriend or girlfriend, it can sound kind of lame to say, “Oh, I’m looking for someone who is kind” or “My ideal BF would be really sweet.” It comes across as boring. Like, really? That’s all you want? Somebody who is nice to you? But when you’re actually in a relationship, a partner’s propensity for kindness really takes prominence in a way that you might not expect. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t look for a partner who has the same taste in music, or someone who can make you laugh; those are appealing qualities! But here’s a roundup of seven qualities in a bae that are way overrated, because they just aren’t everything.
Similar InterestsLook, I get it: there are some things with a partner that you know you just haveto see eye to eye on. For example, my politics are super left of center. I could never date someone right wing unless I wanted to be absolutely miserable and yell all the time. But if you’re looking for a partner who is a virtual replica of you—down to same interests in music, TV shows, sports, etc—you’re missing out on people who may be awesome and have a lot less in common with you than your standards would normally require. I'm not saying opposites always attract, but it's healthy to get out of that comfort zone.
Good MannersOh man, good manners can be so deceiving. The thing is that having good manners inherently doesn’t make somebody a good person to be in a relationship with. Just because somebody holds the door open for you or always pays for dinner, that doesn't mean that they're a great person overall. Some of the most monstrous people know how to be chivalrous, you know? Someone can have great manners and still be controlling, or emotionally neglectful, etc. Don't be too charmed.
Makes You LaughDon’t get me wrong, funny people are such a turn on it’s crazy. But you don’t have to be a jokester all the time to be funny, and being funny doesn’t mean that somebody will be a good partner. When I went on my first date with my current boyfriend, he didn't make me crack up or anything. We had a pleasant convo; I didn't get the impression that he was much of a comedian. And...he's not. But you know what? He still makes me laugh all the time. You can find someone who makes you feel giddy without them being someone who thinks that humor is one of their best qualities.
Friends FirstThere’s so much romanticization of being friends with your BF/GF first. Look, that can be great, but that just…happens, you know? Don’t deplete your relationship pool just because you want to know everything about somebody before getting intimate.
Great StyleWho DOESN’T pay attention to looks when it comes to a bae? Anyone who claims they don’t is lying and trying to seem like the bigger person. Look, we’re all a little shallow, and we all appreciate someone who has a sense of style that we jive with. But if you’re looking for someone who looks just like—IDK—your favorite hype beast, or ultra clean cut, or whatever you’re into…don’t expect their personality to always match up too.
Someone Who Is ALWAYS ExcitingHaving an adventurous partner is, well, exciting! Sneaking into movies, going on mini road trips, having spontaneous outings are alluring AF and will make you feel like you're living in the montage of a teen movie. But the allure of a partner with an adventurous personality shouldn't distract from other potentially unappealing qualities, like unreliability or impatience. And what happens when all the thrill seeking dies down? Does your relationship die down with it when you're not always doing fun activities? Think about it.
A Huge PenisIt’s…not everything. If you’re into that that is. Like, I think it's funny when people online and IRL go on and on about how a good BF (who is cis-gender) should have a big ol' penis. Hey, length isn't everything, TBH. Don't judge too quickly.
Which of these qualities do you think is the most overrated? Tell us in the comments!