What To Do If Your BF Lies To You About What He Does When You’re Not Around

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months and things are going well. Except he lies to me. I know it’s wrong, but I snooped on his Facebook and found out that he’s been lying to me most nights about going out with his friends and I am so angry. He has been late to work several times because he was hungover, and he knows I hate that, so he completely denies it to me and I am furious. I hate his drinking friends and I even found out that they’ve all been making fun of me through Facebook too. I’m going to burst if I don’t tell him, but I don’t want him to know I’ve been snooping. What should I do?

santana lying

Snooping through your boyfriend’s stuff and finding something you really didn’t want to see is rough. Navigating that issue can be even worse. Telling your BF you snooped and found something moves the focus off of the crappy thing they’re doing to you because it tends to make you look bad. You have a few options on how to handle this, but first, let me ask you something: why were you snooping in the first place? Most of us don’t look through bae’s private things unless something is wrong. This usually involves trust and/or communication issues, which is a sign that something could be fundamentally wrong in your relationship. Basically, the fact that you felt the need to look through his stuff shows me that something was going on before this that should have been addressed.

But before we get to that, let’s discuss your options on how to confront your boyfriend:

1. Make up a story. You can always come up with an elaborate plan to tell your BF you found out info in a different way – you can say someone else told you, that you or a friend saw him out, etc. He MIGHT believe you, but guess what? You just lied to him, which is kind of hypocritical, considering you’re mad at him for lying to you. Of course, these lies are two different levels, but still. This can get confusing and has a lot of potential to fall apart, so be careful.

2. Scheme a way to catch him. If you want to pretend your life is a rom-com, you can scheme up a plan to catch him in the act of lying. The next time he goes out but says he’s doing something else, try to go to where you know he is and act like you just stumbled into him by accident. This is… not ideal. It might work in the movies, but IRL it can be messy AF.

3. Be honest. I mean, this is really your best bet. Just tell him that you felt suspicious and looked through his Facebook and you found something. Let him know that you know you did the wrong thing, apologize for that, but still confront him for lying. He doesn’t get a free pass because you went through this stuff, and don’t let him convince you of that. Lying to you about what he does when he’s not with you is not okay. If you two aren’t on the same page and can’t truly be yourselves around each other, then maybe things aren’t really working.

Oh, and one more reason to go the honest route? The fact that your BF and his friends were making fun of you online. That’s a really crappy thing to do. Yeah, a lot of guys joke around about how their girlfriends don’t let them do things, but it’s only to a point, and most dudes would never let the joking get too out of hand. If your BF is standing idly by while his friends make fun of you, then he doesn’t seem very loyal or trustworthy to me.

If I were you, I would confront him about what you found and ask what’s going on. Something clearly needs to change or things aren’t going to work out for you guys. You both need to have a serious conversation and figure out how to make things run more smoothly. And honestly, don’t stand for a significant other who lies to you and talks about you behind your back. You can do much better than that.

Good luck!

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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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