If you are looking to improve your skills of description when it comes to recapping the events of the past year–you know, rather than resorting to the guttural, full-body moans that probably feel instinctual to you at this point–you should know that there are a number of good adjectives that can be used to describe the Year of our Lord 2016. “Catastrophic” is one. “Petty” is my favorite, personally. “Bad” is one that your English teacher might not like, but still manages to get the overall idea across effectively. Still, upon further consideration, I have been forced to conclude that the best way to describe this year is not actually a pure adjective, but, instead, an overall way of being. That is, 2016–like, the entirety of it–has proved itself, time and time again, to be nothing but a messy bitch who lives for drama.
If you are unfamiliar, “messy bitch who lives for drama” is a phrase, popularized by internet sensation Joanne the Scammer (a character played by comedian Branden Miller) in a viral video in which Joanne claims to be the ideal roommate who also happens to love a good scam. (This sentence is fun, because I assume that in five years or maybe six months it will mean nothing.) While the original video was published in late 2015, it was 2016 that really became Joanne the Scammer’s year–Joanne has cultivated over a million followers on Twitter and Instagram, was featured in a few notable publications, attended the MTV VMAs. (In Vivienne Westwood, obviously.)
Now, I do not think it to be mere coincidence that Joanne the Scammer’s ascension happened during what might be the very messiest year in human history. I would not call Joanne a guardian angel, per se, but I do think that the forces of the internet and universe were perfectly opposed in such a way as to create a clear path for Joanne to to strut (or, rather, to scam) her way to power. So, in no particular order, check out these things that prove 2016 really is a messy bitch who lives for drama:
1. When that whole Oregon militia thing happened:
2015:hey how's it going so far?
15:you've got an armed mili-
16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
— Kylie Brakeman (@sexypitabread) January 3, 2016
I feel like I talk about the Oregon militia–you know, when an armed militia took over a wildlife building in Oregon over a land dispute mere days into 2016 –too much, but they were an integral part of 2016, were they not?
2. “Fingers In The Booty Ass Bitch:”
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) January 27, 2016
Okay. I have a lot of Kardashian-adjacent things coming up. In regard to this one, if you don’t remember what incited this (amazing tweet), I’ll give you a brief recap (though you can read a more in-depth one here). Basically, Kanye West went on a long Twitter rampage against Wiz Khalifa because he thought Wiz was talking smack about West’s wife, Kim Kardashian, by using the initials “KK” in a tweet. (He was not, by the way–“KK” stands for “Khalifa Kush,” which, as any casual Wiz KHalifa fan knows, is simply his licensed brand of marijuana.) In this rampage, he brought up Amber Rose (a mutual ex between West and Wiz Khalifa) and her child, which, obviously, was not cool. Amber Rose responded with the above tweet, which caused West to delete all of his previous ones. What a time!
3. Kim Kardashian “exposed” Taylor Swift:
Kim exposing the phone call between Kanye and Taylor about his line in Famous. RT to save a life pic.twitter.com/FLBkEXkJTZ
— Claire McVey (@ohaiclaireee) July 18, 2016
You remember this one, right?
4. Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in Paris, forcing her to leave the public eye:
Honestly my biggest hope for 2017 is that @KimKardashian comes back
— Jessica Booth (@JBoothyy) December 20, 2016
To which people on the internet, predictably, had pretty terrible reactions.
5. Blac Chyna’s Instagram got hacked???
I don’t really know how to approach this, because it’s something that probably deserves a full post. But on December 17th, someone hacked Blac Chyna’s Instagram and posted conversations she’d (allegedly) had with other people about Rob Kardashian, saying that she had left and was taking everything with her. Rob then proceeded to post memes about the situation. Everything has now been deleted and the whole thing was possibly (probably) a publicity stunt. Either way, it is something that I don’t feel totally comfortable talking about because it’s so personal and out there, and so I will stop.
6. Anyway, earlier in the year, Rob posted Kylie’s personal phone number on Twitter:
Kylie's # +1 (818) 482-5859 ???????????????? I ain't hacked either this is rob dog lol
— ROBERT KARDASHIAN (@robkardashian) September 27, 2016
The first presidential debate was held on the very same night–a distraction tactic, probably, from the real events at hand.
7. Scott Disick forgot that he is a person with at least some autonomy and copy-pasted this built-in caption from his publicist on a sponsored Instagram post, not noticing that he had forgotten to remove the initial instructions to do so:
PLEASE PUT THIS IN THE MOMA pic.twitter.com/jge0EMDckv
— GITOO COOCHIE FRITOO (@gitoo) May 19, 2016
8. Anyway. Shall we talk about the 2016 US presidential election instead of the Kardashian-Jenners?
9. Uh. Let’s not. That is, perhaps, too messy:
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
Just four more years?
10. Not that other countries fared much better–take, for example, Brexit:
UK: So where's the 350m?
— n✨ (@seoparks) June 24, 2016
11. Also, everyone died:
We had so many good times together. He was my friend, I will never forget him. 2/2 pic.twitter.com/9xfPj88x8b
— Mick Jagger (@MickJagger) January 11, 2016
This isn’t funny. But, like, why?
12. Pokemon Go (among other things) just, like, ruined us all:
me: [riding a hoverboard, vaping, playing pokemon go, and dabbing simultaneously]
old person: [is terrified]
— petal (@mitchwelling) July 13, 2016
*breaks out in hives in remembrance of July 2016*
13. Speaking of the summer, Ryan Lochte did that thing when he pretended to have been robbed at gunpoint, but was just lying to avoid being charged for vandalizing a gas station bathroom:
Sketch of the guy who held up Lochte pic.twitter.com/sPLUvWz5dC
— Vann R. Newkirk II (@fivefifths) August 18, 2016
Which is, uh, awful.
WE SENT COMPLAINTS TO GOOGLE MAPS SAYING SHANKLAND ROAD WAS ACTUALLY HARAMBE DRIVE AND THEY CHANGED IT IM SCREAMING pic.twitter.com/b7SvgDzx2K
— chris gallagher (@gallagherc_) July 23, 2016
15. Liam Payne is (very likely) about to be a father:
One direction but every time you think "they're getting back together" one of them becomes a father
— mel (@macostaaaa) December 15, 2016
Which means that half of the remaining members of One Direction will be dads.
16. Camila Cabello left Fifth Harmony:
Camila's representatives: she doesn't want to be in the group anymore
Fifth Harmony: pic.twitter.com/u59XLgQkll
— Common Gay Boy (@CGBPosts) December 19, 2016
Just when you thought 2016 couldn’t get any worse.
17. This was a viable news headline:
2016 is a catastrophe pic.twitter.com/qVwrr5RBDy
— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) June 28, 2016
18. Also, I feel like I should point out that someone dumped chopped onions (cabbage?) in the toilet at this school:
who the FUCK brings a bag of CHOPPED RED ONIONS to school just to throw them in the TOILET i fuckin HATE my school pic.twitter.com/jTHCIcV7iz
— fairy god mom (@lyxopk) February 10, 2016
19. When Joanne the Scammer herself literally got scammed off of her Twitter account and lost all of her original tweets:
joanne the scammer got hacked n wanted 2 check in w everyone n make sure u kno the trash tweets aren't hers
pls rt pic.twitter.com/qfzB6G0TIm
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) May 2, 2016
She thought she was getting verified. A tragedy! But, as you have seen before, 2016 was lawless. Too lawless, even, for the messiest one of all.
What did you think of 2016? Was it, indeed, a messy bitch who lives for drama? Let us know in the comments!