What To Do if You’re Terrified To Have Your First Kiss

Hi Heather,

I’m 15-years-old. There is a guy that I’ve liked for quite some time, about two years to be exact. He goes to my school and when I first met him, he was all I ever wished for in a boy… kind, amazing sense of humor, good looking, and a bit cocky. We became very good friends (still are) and I think that at some point he even liked me a bit, but then he got into this “f*ckboy” phase. Soon, all of the boys, him included, only cared about making out, having sex, sexting, and who got the most girls. He has had a few girlfriends who are all shallow but gorgeous, and one is older. He is pretty experienced when it comes to sexual stuff, even though he’s still a virgin. I, on the other hand, have never kissed a boy, not even a peck on the lips. I’ve never had a boyfriend, which I know isn’t bad or something to be ashamed of. Obviously some guys call me a prude, but I couldn’t care less.

A year has passed, and he has completely changed. I’ve had my doubts about him, but he did change. At a recent party, he was a little tipsy and he confessed to me that he wanted to kiss me. The thing is, it’s not that I don’t want to kiss him, I’m just literally TERRIFIED of doing it. My fear of kissing wrong or bad is slowly but surely ruining my chances with this guy. I have this fear in my head that even if he told me it didn’t matter to him if I were bad, he would still secretly judge me. I really want my first kiss to be with this guy, but I’m so scared I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of being a bad kisser. What can I do to overcome this fear?

first kiss

Can I just say how happy I am that you’re not ashamed of the fact that you’ve never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone? That’s awesome! You’re right, it’s not bad at all and it’s definitely nothing to feel embarrassed about. You’ve got the right attitude going on! Now, all we have to do is work on this fear of kissing you have, and you’ll be set.

Feeling terrified to have your first kiss is totally normal. The idea of a first kiss can be so overwhelming and intimidating, and most people are or were freaked out by it. I know that, personally, I was really scared of my first kiss. Like you, I was convinced I would be bad at it, and I was paranoid that the guy would tell everyone and I would be labeled a bad kisser and I’d never have a boyfriend and I would be alone forever. Once I managed to push those fears aside and have my first kiss, I felt so silly for being so nervous. It was so much easier than I thought it would be, and on top of that, it was fun and just really nice.

Kissing sounds harder than it is. Because it’s something you’ve never done before and there’s no real way to practice, you’re going into it feeling like you have no clue what to do. But once you start kissing someone, it just kind of comes naturally to you. I know that sounds frustrating, but it’s true. It just… happens, and it works. It’s weird! It’s like your mouth just knows what to do on its own.

There are articles everywhere that will give you step-by-step instructions on how to kiss someone, but honestly, you’re better off just winging it. Trying too hard is what will most likely make you a “bad” kisser. Kissing is something that should be effortless – not something you’re putting a lot of thought into. When you think about it too hard, that’s when it becomes more stiff and unnatural, and that’s exactly what you don’t want.

That said, you don’t have to go into it feeling like you have absolutely no clue what you’re doing. First, make sure you feel comfortable in what you’re wearing, maybe pop a breath mint or two. Don’t wear crazy lipstick or lipgloss, that gets messy. When you’re kissing, remember these tips: one, follow his lead. This is one of those things that’s tough to explain, but when you’re doing it, it makes sense. Just do the things he does with his mouth and tongue – it will make more sense in the moment! Two, don’t try anything crazy your first time, like lip biting. Just kiss! Three, don’t shove your tongue in his mouth. It should be more gentle and less, uh, tongue thrusting. Four, try touching him somewhere, like putting your hand in his hair, on the back of his neck, or on his arm. You don’t need to be in a passionate embrace, but touching him gently somewhere will make things more intimate.

As for getting over the fear? You kind of just need to do it! The more you put off your first kiss, the scarier it will be. The more you think about it and prepare for it, the more intimidating it will seem. The next time you have the opportunity, go for it. I can almost guarantee that you won’t be a bad kisser! And if it makes you feel better, you can say to him, “I’ve never done this before and I’m a little nervous.” I’m sure he’d be more than happy to show you the ropes (seriously). Remember: if someone wants to kiss you, it’s because they like you. It’s going to be tough to completely turn them off with a kiss. Try to relax and enjoy it! And stop thinking about it so much!

Good luck!

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com You can also reach our buddies at HelloFlo with questions about your body or health. Just ask Dr. Flo at HelloFlo!


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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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  • Devin Cybulski

    so there’s this guy I really like and we’ve been flirting and stuff for a few months, nothing too serious. But recently he’s started getting very sexual, and just the other day he said that next time we hang out he is going to kiss me. this practically terrified me. it’s not that i don’t want to kiss him, i mean i really really like him. but there are just so many things that could go wrong. like what if im a bad kisser or he doesn’t feel a connection. i’m also worried im too young for that and i would get a bad label that im a hoe or a slut because of it. i just dont know what to do and im worried that if i keep putting it off he’ll think im not interested in him and move on. help! by the way, im 13 which may or may not change your view on my situation.

    • Student Grace Lightner