Once you learn what sex is, you almost immediately get amped up about losing your virginity… and then, almost as quickly, you get freaked the eff out. The many thoughts running through your head include: When is it going to happen? With who? Wait, what goes where? What comes out of what? How do I know if I’m ready? Do I have to wait for the person I love? How do you orgasm? WTF is lube? Do you need it? Really? First time sex can be terrifying and intimidating, especially when taking into account all of the things society tells us about losing your v-card. But don’t listen to them for a second – listen to us! There are some harsh truths about losing your virginity we need to address now.
We put such high stakes on losing our virginity that it becomes really easy for this event to take a life of it’s own and develop it’s own mythology when it’s really… not that big of a deal, you guys. I mean, it can be, but it isn’t a cataclysmic Earth shattering, life changing to-do. There are lots of virginity myths out there that can make the experience seem way worse than it is, or just totally different than it will be. Let’s just be honest about what we’re all getting ourselves into when it comes to virginity, regardless of when, how, and with whom you decide to do it with first. These are 20 real cold, hard truths about virginity that you need to hear once and for all.
1) Not everyone shares your definition of “virginity.”
We traditionally think of losing your virginity as heterosexual, penis-in-vagina sex, but that isn’t what everyone thinks of it as. It can mean a lot of different things to different people and some of them have a very strong point of view about what does and doesn’t count as well as what is and isn’t “right.” In the end, we need to focus on our definition and no one else’s.
2) It’s really important to some people.
A lot of people think of virginity as a super special moment in their life that they’ll cherish forever.
3) And it’s not as important to others.
Not everyone dreams of the day they’ll lose their virginity as a magical, loving moment – some people just want to get it over with, while others don’t really care either way.
4) “Practicing” with masturbation will only get you so far.
Masturbation will help you get comfortable with your body, learn about what you like sexually, and um, prep you if you plan on putting anyone or anything in your vagina. However, when it comes time to actually having sex – SURPRISE! IT’S ANOTHER PERSON! YOU HAVE AN AUDIENCE NOW! It’s not the same thing at all.
5) Your gyno may not take your health concerns seriously if you are a virgin.
My gynecologist constantly and only asks me about the amount of dicks I’ve encountered and fails to pay attention to or take into concern anything else that’s been going on. I always thought having a queer-positive gyno was something that was a little extra, but now I know that’s because some of them are obsessed with straight sex. Hopefully, this isn’t the case with your gyno, but just a heads up.
6) Your hymen is a part of your body forever.
It could tear, be strained under stress and bleed, but it’s a membrane. It doesn’t “pop” or disappear or go away. So, hymen checks to see if you’re still a virgin? Yeah, they’re bogus.
7) The planning might give you more anxiety than the sex itself.
Between getting birth control, contraceptives, psyching yourself out of nervousness, and acknowledging you’re ready, that sounds like a lot of stress. Don’t be surprised if the actual event of having sex is the least big deal of the lead up to losing your virginity.
8) Not everybody is going to want to be your first.
This goes back to it being important to some people and not as important to others. You might find that someone you want to have sex with for the first time might “value” your virginity more than you do. It’s not your fault, it’s not a big deal, and it has everything to do with the other person.
9) You don’t have to lose it in high school…
The anxiety about getting walked in on by your parents might be enough to make it not good.
10) …Or college.
It straight up might not happen for you then. Life is long, it’s not a big deal.
11) You might not love the first person you have sex with.
Ideally, it happens with someone who you trust and enjoy, but you can also lose your virginity to someone you’re only friends with or are exclusively physically attracted to with no emotions involved. Not every story of how you lost it has to go exactly the same.
12) It could change your relationship for the better.
You’re bonded in this weird, unique way. You feel closer. You may have had a few orgasms between you. It’s good!
13) Or it could you know, do the opposite.
Can we withstand this? Is this the person I want to be with? Sex might bring stuff stuff you’ve been trying to ignore to the forefront, so don’t be surprised if some stuff comes to light and you and bae are suddenly getting around to fighting. It’s what happens when you get really vulnerable with someone, it’s a defense mechanism.
14) You might not feel any different immediately after.
You don’t act, look, or feel more mature after the first time you’ve had sex. You might feel it a little bit, but there’s no visible tells (unless you’re like me and you blush like a crazy person if you’re within 15 feet of someone you have a crush on, but hey, those are different kinds of tells).
15) Being good at sex is a learning curve.
No one is awesome at something the first time they do it. Keep repeating that mantra to yourself as much as you need because there’s nothing more disheartening than having bad sex when you’re trying so hard.
16) It might not go well the first time.
Stop if you’re not enjoying yourself, but it might be too awkward to get the kind of pleasure you’re looking for the first time. You could full on get the wrong hole. It’s happened before!
17) It might not feel how you think it’s supposed to until you have sex a couple of times.
This is especially true if you’re having sex with a penis. Your body needs to get used to having it inside of you, never mind figuring out how to move with one inside of you. Take. Your. Time.
18) It’s not a one-time-only gift you give to one person.
Every new partner is their own “first”. And duh, there is such an event where it’s the first time you’re having sex with another person, period, but there are tons of other firsts worth making a special occasion about. This is just one “big deal” in a series of other “big deals” you’re bound to encounter when having sex.
19) How and who you lose it to does not dictate how the rest of your sex life is going to go.
You don’t imprint on the first person you have sex with like a baby duck. You might look back fondly, sure, but they don’t become your Be All End All once they’ve been inside you. There’s no magic hormone that comes out when you have sex for the first time and the rest of your sex life is not dictated by this one thing. So, you don’t have to put pressure on losing it to be perfect.
20) It’s not as big of a deal as you think it is.
Literally no one cares as much as you do. It’s not giving anyone else anxiety or pressure. How you feel about it is only as important as you make it, but nobody cares about your status.
What do you think is the most important thing about losing your virginity everybody needs to know? What’s the harshest virginity truth you can think of? Do you even believe in virginity? Let us know in the comments!
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.