Why Do You Act Like A Couple If He Won’t Make It Official?

Hi Heather,

I met this guy a while back and we instantly hit off. We rushed into things a bit, but everything was still great. We were so comfortable with each other and we did everything together, everything that a relationship would consist of and even more. For his 25th birthday, I rented a limo, invited all of his friends, and we all had a blast. He said it was the best birthday he’s ever had. I take care of him and do everything for him. Once, I even drove from Florida (where we live) to New York (where he grew up) to bring his sick dog home for him. He’s met my family and I’ve him and he always treats me right. He’s not perfect, but he’s definitely worth it, and I fell for him.

The problem is that even after everything we’ve been through, he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He says he’s not ready. I’m trying to understand him, but I can’t. He says he’s not emotionally ready to be in a relationship with everyone. We’ve talked about it a lot and he always says that same thing. We just had this conversation a few days ago, and it didn’t go well. He got mad and said he couldn’t do this anymore like that. I feel absolutely devastated and I don’t know if should just let him go or continue fighting for him. I want to fight for him, I do. But I also want to be in a relationship with him. He says he doesn’t want to lose our friendship, but I can’t be just friends. I don’t know what to do!

hesjustnotthatintoyou

Okay, so let me get this straight: you do everything for him, take care of him, put him before you, and act like a legitimate girlfriend, but he refuses to say you two are in a relationship? You continue to treat him like gold, and he won’t make things official? That is… not okay. At all.

You asked me what you should do, but to be honest, I think you answered your own question when you said, “I want to fight for him, I do. But I also want to be in a relationship with him.” You care about him, want to be with him, and maybe even love him – but he isn’t giving you what you want, and you know that. You’re in a place where you want to just give it up and be with him on his terms, but you also know, deep down, that you deserve more than that. And you know what? You’re right.

I think you know what you need to do, it’s just that you don’t really want to do it. So I’ll say it! You need to let him walk away. It will hurt like hell and make you feel horrible and it might take a really long time to get over it. But if he is willing to leave you because, after all the time you’ve been together, he doens’t want a relationship and knows that you do, then that means he isn’t going to change his mind any time soon.

Now, I’m going to tell you something harsh, and it sucks to hear, but you need to hear it. When someone says they “aren’t emotionally ready” for a relationship, it is usually an excuse. It’s usually a lame excuse for not being in the relationship that they don’t want to be in. Because, when you think about it, what does it even mean? It means they aren’t in a position where they can care about you as much as a relationship warrants. And if someone says that, it means, unfortunately, that they don’t want to be in a relationship with you because it doesn’t feel right. If he loved you, if he wanted you to be his girlfriend, then by now, you would be. He doesn’t want you to be. Realizing that hurts so much, but it’s important to understand.

The defensive side of you, the side looking for reasons as to why a relationship is worth fighting for, will say, “Then why has he stuck around all this time?” Well… why not? He’s had it made for as long as he’s known you! You do everything for him, you treat him so well, he gets all of the perks of a relationship without having to deal with the downfalls (like commitment and maybe fidelity), and he knows how much you like him. He’s comfortable with you, so why would he walk away from that? He’s walking away now because he knows you two want different things, and he knows that it probably won’t work that way much longer.

You need to let this guy go. There is always the chance that he will go off on his own and realize, “Hey, I’m an idiot. That girl was great and I miss her. Maybe we should give it a shot.” That chance is small, but it’s there. There is the bigger chance that he will miss the attention and come back even though he still won’t change his stance on the relationship thing. But either way, you need to stick to your guns. Find someone who wants what you want.

Continuing to fight for him isn’t going to make things better. You’ve already shown him, many times, that you want a relationship. If it hasn’t worked yet, it’s not going to suddenly work. All it’s going to do is make you feel worse and worse, and make things harder for you. Let him go! Focus on you. You’ll find someone better one day.

Good luck!
Heather

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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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  • rhiannonw72

    It’s been 2 years! We live together, do everything together like a couple except sleep together. Nothing physical, but he doesn’t seem interested in other women at all. I KNOW he is not gay, he has had relationships before. 12 years with last girlfriend who passed away from cancer, he was married and had a child and another child with a different girlfriend, both when he was very young – 35 now. I am ten years older and known him since he was a little kid. Somehow over the years we connected as friends and been through some tough things together. I wouldn’t have let myself fall in love with him but everyone from his mom to his girlfriend who passed have told me he loves me. She even told me once that she thought he wanted to be with me and I told her he is like a brother to me (white lie, he is HOT). Her very last message to me was to ask if I was with him. It was never an angry or jealous thing though, we were friends. We both love antiques and nature and he brings me things almost every day he thinks I will like,like a little boy, from heart shaped stones ( he says they are signs from her) to beautiful china. He seems to slowly be getting a little closer physically. He made a little area at our fishing spot to sit under a tree together that we have to pretty much cuddle up in. I’m just really confused if he is taking this really really slowly ( he is the most patient man I’ve ever met) or it’s just a great friendship. Unfortunately I have not had the guts to ask him directly how he feels. I have almost no self-confidence due to past abuse from narcissistic exes and bullying in general almost all my life, but that is getting a bit better. Enough to kick my last scary abusive boyfriend out during which he and his friend were my protection. Am I just being dense? Any advice anyone?

  • Gwen

    Ugh, I hate it when this happens! I’m in a “friendship”(/relationship) like this right now. He refused to make us an official couple even though he acts like we are. 🙁