8 Things You Didn’t Know Can Count As Losing Your Virginity

You, like many other people in this world, have probably grown up believing that a virgin is someone who has never had penetrative, P-in-V sex, as in the act between a man and a woman. Okay, except, uh, what about people who don’t want to have sex with the opposite gender? Does that mean they never actually lose their virginity? Is penetrative, heterosexual sex the only thing that counts as losing your virginity?

Of course it isn’t. The truth is that everyone’s definition of sex is different. You may have heard the phrase, “virginity is a social construct.” This means that virginity isn’t a measurable, quantifiable thing – it came about because of what is considered socially acceptable. If this is true (and I, personally, believe that it is), then there’s no right or wrong way to define what it means to lose your virginity, because it’s subjective. That said, it’s still confusing AF. Does losing your virginity need to include a partner? An orgasm? A set length of time? Does it count if he puts it in and takes it right back out and then stops? Does it count if it’s two girls fooling around for their first time ever? There are so many questions, and it’s time we expanded the definition of virginity.

After all, it’s a little strange how society’s definition of virginity hasn’t changed that much throughout the years, isn’t it? It separates penetration from the rest of sex, which most of us call foreplay, when the whole thing should really be included in the larger definition of sex… right? Who are the Sex Sheriffs policing what does and does not count as sex? Can they take a break for a few seconds to let us all embrace and include the many other ways people can lose their virginity? Like all things, everybody’s point of view is different, and everybody is welcome to define virginity for themselves. One way is not more valid than any other way. People are different, sex is awesome, and these are eight other ways to lose your virginity that aren’t straight, penetrative sex.

Girl On Girl Sex

If the loss of virginity is thought of as penetrative sex, where does that leave lesbian sex? Are you still a virgin if you've only fooled around with a girl and haven't inserted anything other than fingers inside of you? Of course not! Gay sex, whether it's between two girls or two gays, can absolutely count as losing your virginity.

Source: iStock


Manual stimulation can be the main event of sex for some people, meaning that fingering can definitely count as losing your virginity if that's what it feels like for you. Since when is a penis or any other phallus the holy grail of sexual pleasure? Here's where sexual orientation plays into your definition of virginity, because I know plenty of straight people who would say they are still virgins because they've only been fingered, but for others, that definition's more open to interpretation.

Source: iStock

Anal Sex

Butt stuff! On the show Shameless, there's a female character who says she's saving herself for marriage, so she'll only have anal sex. A lot of girls believe that anal sex "doesn't count" as "real" sex. Well, it totally can if you want it to. There are a ton of nerve endings around there that can give you pleasure. Not to mention, if anal doesn't count as sex, does that mean if you peg your boyfriend, it's just considered foreplay? Do you see how nonsensical it is to dismiss some sex acts as not real? Penetrative heterosexual sex is not the be all end all of having sex. You have so many more options. If you want to count it, count it. Long live butt stuff.

Source: iStock

Oral Sex

Oral sex is the most common loophole people find when it comes to the "it's not TECHNICALLY sex, so it doesn't count" excuse, but a ton of people would argue that oral sex is actually more intimate than penetrative sex. Why? You're putting your mouth on it! Genitals touching is way different than getting someone off with your mouth, or on the flipside, having someone else's face down there for an extended period of time. It's no wonder some people get more self conscious about oral sex than other things that happen during sex, so it's no wonder why people may consider this the main event and thusly a benchmark in losing your virginity.

Source: iStock


If you're more conservative, it's not unusual to hear that masturbation is a "mortal sin" or that any sexual contact is considered having sex and losing your virginity, and that includes touching yourself. Weird, right? Not for lots of people. By now, you all probably know that the Duggars reserve even face-to-face hugging for marriage. Whether you insert something into your vagina or not, getting sexy with yourself can count as losing your virginity if you view virginity as a measure of how much sexual experience you've had, regardless if it's partnered sex or not. Are you having fun? Did you come? Do you know you you like to be touched? You might not be a virgin anymore and that's entirely up to you to decide.

Source: iStock

Having An Orgasm

This one's my favorite because it more or less says "it doesn't count as sex unless you come," which is both hilarious and awesome and should hopefully be true across the board (even though we know that's not always the case, but... wishful thinking). However, an orgasm is usually indicative of some sexual knowledge and a place of power and once you've had an orgasm, there's no way to take back that knowledge. Your mind, your desires, and your prowess is no longer "virginal," so many consider having your first orgasm to be when someone loses their virginity and honestly, I'm not mad at this definition. It's queer inclusive, not dependent on a partner, and leaves sex open to interpretation.

Source: iStock

Skype Sex

People in long distance relationships will tell you that being able to get intimate via Skype, FaceTime, or things of the like is what gets you by when you're far from bae for too long. So, does that mean that Skype sex doesn't count as "real sex"? Of course, you can't physically touch each other. What happens, most likely, is some dirty talk and mutual masturbation from two different sides of a webcam. But, you're still getting, um, intimate, are you not? You're still experiencing sexual pleasure, engaging a partner, and hopefully getting off. Even if you've never touched this person and you're exclusively long distance, why wouldn't this kind of sex count towards losing your virginity? Not everybody is physically close to their partner.

Source: iStock

Using A Sex Toy

I've heard this phrase a few times: "I lost my virginity to a hairbrush/cuecumber/other household object." It's basically referring to a sex toy. Hey, if you consider penetrating yourself with something that isn't a penis or another partner losing your virginity, you do you! Use of sex toys can be considered one way to lose your virginity if that makes sense to you. It's different from using a tampon or getting a pap smear because a sex toy is specifically used to get off and have a good time.

Source: iStock

What do you count as losing your virginity? How did you lose yours? Did we not even mention it? Let us know in the comments!

You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.


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