If you have ever been on the internet before—which my critical thinking skills lead me to believe you have—you will have noticed that there are a few things that the internet as a whole has decided should be your significant other. I say “things” here because they are not the various men (Benedict Cumberbatch, Oscar Isaac, Tom Hiddleston before the fabricated Taylor Swift tryst) and women (Anna Kendrick, Emma Watson, Emma Stone) the internet has designated as its respective boyfriends or girlfriends, but rather inanimate objects.
Chief among them? Pizza. Now, pizza is delicious, of course, but it is not bae. In fact, I might argue that to call pizza “bae” is a disgrace to pizza itself, honestly. Bae is a concept and pizza is a solid truth. A bae will potentially one day break your heart and leave you bereft, while pizza will always remain the same trustworthy mix of dough, tomato sauce, and cheese (give or take a few ingredients). They are not the same thing.
Is this the hill I am prepared to die on? Not at all, as many other people have already done that for me. Still, I do think it is important to take note of. Check out these inanimate objects that, no matter what the internet tells you, are not actually better than a relationship. Or anything:
— shimmur (@shimmur) November 11, 2016
I wonder which Abang Domino’s will get a DM on #DMYourCrushToday
— Pizza is Bae (@DominosMY) November 2, 2016
The scourge of pizza being bae has reached so far that Domino’s Malaysia’s Twitter handle is literally “pizza is bae.” Which is fine! But, I don’t know–once corporate Twitter gets ahold of your favorite epithet, isn’t it time to let it go?
2. Bacon and eggs:
where's my bae*
*bacon and eggs 😉
— Denny's (@DennysDiner) June 28, 2014
Speaking of corporate Twitter………….
3. A burrito:
Great stuff. pic.twitter.com/dcIuous2qO
— Brands Saying Bae (@BrandsSayingBae) December 27, 2014
What did you do before the world was destroyed? I was a surgeon. Bill over there was a farmer.
— Brands Saying Bae (@BrandsSayingBae) March 12, 2015
Froyo is bae pic.twitter.com/HAoCQClE3e
— FoodPorn (@ItsFoodPorn) November 11, 2016
I mean, the same logic applies here. Froyo is delicious! But it is not bae, and, if you are lactose intolerant, will not be kind to you at all.
6. A sandwich:
making out with my bae <3 pic.twitter.com/2mFh6EIfdt
— Tyler Oakley (@tyleroakley) February 9, 2014
I don’t know. Fine. Whatever.
7. The poop emoji:
— Liam (@LiamPayne) September 29, 2014
— Jeff Dye (@JeffDye) October 15, 2016
I said ENOUGH.
— Shop Nopal (@ShopNopal) June 10, 2016
Coffee is bae. Coffee lover is bae. RT if you're a coffee lover ☕️? pic.twitter.com/Nw6jGLZClw
— Seri (@SeriNoradila) November 8, 2016
Looking at you, “but first, coffee” people.
11. Moral of the story? Careful what you call your bae:
Dominoes' attempt to ironically distance themselves from their garbage content completely backfired. pic.twitter.com/FEY3aIZ77O
— Brands Saying Bae (@BrandsSayingBae) June 3, 2015
‘Cause life comes at you fast.
What do you think of these objects? Are any of them *actually* bae to you? Let us know in the comments!