15 Reasons Big Boobs Aren’t Cool Anymore

Got boobs? Interested in fashion? Sorry! Cleavage is over, apparently. This is all according to an article from British Vogue titled “Desperately Seeking Cleavage” that came out yesterday, in which the author, Kathleen Baird-Murray, reasons that since cleavage wasn’t as apparent on the Fashion Week runways this season, and push-up bra sales have been declining, boobs as, like, an entire concept must be out. Baird-Murray’s conclusion is this: “The tits will not be out for the lads. Or for anyone else, for that matter.” Got it!

For what it’s worth, Baird-Murray later clarified on her Twitter page that the point of her article is that designers appear to be moving towards creating “more natural, comfortable clothes,” not that any particular size of breasts are in or out. But it is also worth noting Vogue is the type of publication that might describe a $500 t-shirt as a “steal,” and once dedicated an entire week to the benefits of “skater hair,” which was opened with the question, “What draws a person to skate?” Therefore, the equally grandiose, ludicrous statement that cleavage–AKA your boobs, AKA a part of your body–is “out” isn’t totally out of whack with its history. Still, if you are the type of person who takes everything Anna Wintour and her ilk says literally, check out these very real reasons as to why you should put your boobs way forever:

1. Fast fashion makes it *so* easy to follow trends like these!


 

2. It’s something you can totally control. Right?


 

3. So, so, easy:


 

4. Because that is how bodies work!


 

5. Making suggestions like this won’t, uh, incite violence:


 

6. All of the progress women have made over the last century isn’t actually worth it until someone tries to topple it, after all:


 

7. What are boobs if not the equivalent of the peplum top you have lying in the back of your closet?


 

8. Or a simple fashion accessory?


 

9. Can’t control your cleavage? Just stay in for a few months until it’s back in:


 

10. If nothing else, it’s a good excuse to start wearing turtlenecks exclusively:


 

11. And work on this iconic Kim K tribute:


 

12. It is important to remember that Vogue is potentially the least accessible fashion magazine out there:


 

13. Beauty is pain, fashion is hard, etc. etc.


 

14. Anyway, cleavage being out makes your sternum moles even more transgressive than they already are:


 

15. Sorry. I don’t make the rules. This is fashion:

What do you think of Vogue’s fashion decree? Are you going to hide your boobs from now on? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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  • John White

    My massive manhood will never settle for less than big boobies