“Cool” is a subjective term, meaning that the definition is different for everyone. This, however, doesn’t mean there isn’t a generic definition of cool that many of us strive to achieve. Even though we all know that many of us do this, we also all know that trying to be cool is actually annoying AF. You can tell when someone is ~effortlessly cool~ and when someone is trying too hard – there’s something disingenuous about the effort involved. Still, that doesn’t stop people from trying, because even if we know it’s silly, it’s something many of us want.
Can I let you in on a little secret? No one is cool. Even cool people don’t feel cool all the time. Nobody is all the way chill. I hate the whole “be yourself” mantra as much as anybody else, but I still feel the need to point out that obvious efforts at being considered “cool” are kind of pointless. But truly, leaning in to the parts of yourself that make you feel deeply uncool will make you appear cool to others. Make sense? Anyway, whether you want to admit it or not you’ve been in the position of wondering if your efforts are too obvious. And if you don’t want to admit it, or aren’t sure if you’ve done it, here are some things everyone does to seem cool that are actually very annoying.
1) Pretending not to care about anything.
I’m not sure when it became cool to act like you don’t care about anything, but… it’s not. Apathy is lame. It’s annoying to watch someone pride themselves on who can not GAF the most. When someone asks for your opinion or how you feel about something, don’t pretend you’re to chill to care. Speak up! Have an opinion! It’s way less annoying.
2) Pretending to hate things you actually love.
This gets even more annoying when you try to defend yourself like “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’ve always hated THAT THING. I really love THIS OTHER THING. You just weren’t paying attention!” Ugh.
3) Pretending that you aren’t hurt when you really are.
Who started that lie that cool people don’t get their feelings hurt? Because it’s wrong.
4) Putting someone else down.
One more time with feeling: making someone else feel awful will not make you feel better. I hate that people feel the need to put others down who are below them in a social hierarchy (don’t pretend this doesn’t happen in school, it’s the worst) in order to move forward. It’s dumb and you’re for sure going to regret it later.
5) Being outright mean.
Not just putting people down, but being full on nasty (not in a cool reclaimed way) to everybody isn’t cool. I get it that cool people are unattainable and enigmatic. You don’t need to push everybody away to get there, though.
6) Playing dumb.
STOP PLAYING DUMB TO GAIN MALE ATTENTION. THAT’S A TIRESOME LIE WITH A LOT OF COMMITTED UPKEEP THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
7) Using a word you don’t know the meaning to.
Get yourself a dictionary, friends. If having an advanced vocabulary makes you feel cool, that’s awesome, but at least know what you’re saying. Even worse when you straight up make up a word.
8) Ditching your friends to hang out with “cooler” people.
We all have had that one friend who disappeared and ditched you for a cooler crowd. Don’t be that jerk. You can’t burn your old friends for your new ones and still expect them to like you later. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.
“Oh yeah, my parents are totally cool with me having people over. Yeah, invite whoever you want. They’re cool like that, I’m cool like that, I just come from a long line of coolness. What if the cops come to this party I’m accidentally hosting? Oh yeah, I’m cool with them, too.” I’m not going to get into why lying isn’t cool because I don’t want to sound like your mom right now, but you will get caught in a lie eventually and digging yourself out is the least cool look of all.
10) Pretending you’re more sexually experienced than you are.
Your coolness is not measured in how many dicks you’ve touched or how many vaginas you’ve put your mouth on. Stop measuring your coolness in sexual escapades. You aren’t supposed to have sex like a “mature person” (re: that cool, unattached, casual, post-monogamist evolved way) if you aren’t one. Being blasé about it doesn’t make you cool either. Lying about how you feel and what you’ve done in your sexual history is the least cool of all.
11) Hooking up with people for the sake of saying you did it.
Treating hook ups like a checklist isn’t cool. If you want to make a “to do list” like The To Do List, more power to you, but you should at least be enthused and excited to hook up with the person you’re with, not just doing it for the cool points.
12) Being extreme about social media.
Nobody cares how many followers you have. Your hashtag saturation is obnoxious. I can’t decide what’s worse: the people who are intense about being into social media or the people who make dramatic “I’m deleting my Facebook” posts or purposefully having no social media accounts because they’re *~so mature~*. These are usually the same people who intensely hate smart phones for no reason. So obnoxious.
13) Being competitive about everything.
Relative wokeness, maturity, followers, people who you think want to sleep with you, everything is trackable because you’ve been retaining everyone’s receipts and you are going to win the game you’re playing like it’s chess, even though it’s impossible to win the coolness game because… drumroll, please… NOBODY IS COOL.
14) Causing arbitrary drama because you like attention.
You are not Joanne the Scammer, so stop it.
15) Being “one of the boys.”
Nothing reeks of fake cool quite like being #NotLikeOtherGirls. You’re different. You’re cool. Look at you, you trail blazer. You are original. You alone walk this path.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done to seem cooler? Was it worth it? Or was it annoying? Let us know in the comments!
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.