Here’s Exactly What To Do If A Guy With A Girlfriend Wants To Hang Out With You

Hi Heather,

A few months ago, a guy I know who dates a girl I used to be friends with messaged me on Instagram one night. We talked for a few hours and kind of hit it off, and that was it. Flash forward to a few days ago, when he saw my “bored” Snapchat and told me to FaceTime him. I was kind of shocked/nervous, but we ended up on the phone for four hours! The conversations we were having were extremely deep and he was showing a lot of affection towards me. He called the next few nights and we did the same thing. Then he texted me asking if we could meet up the next Friday night. I was really blown away and confused, because:

1. He has a girlfriend. When I asked about her, he said, “We aren’t getting along so well and we are disagreeing a lot. I don’t know how long we’ll last.” Is that his way of saying they’re breaking up soon?

2. He compliments me 24/7, always flirting with me, saying things like, “your voice is angelic,” “you’re so amazing.” “Oh how I wish you could give me a hug haha,” “I love chatting with you,” and he even “accidentally” while we were chatting said “I’m joking, I love you really”, to which I said nothing back and just went aww. He also called me “babe.”

3. I am pretty nervous to meet up with him as I’ve never met up with a guy before. I’m also worried we’ll run into his girlfriend and if she sees us, what do we say? I want to hang out with him, I’m just nervous.

4. is he trying to ask me out? I don’t think I could say yes as I know his girlfriend relatively well, and where I live is a pretty tight community, word spreads fast.

This whole situation has left me wondering a few things and i just wanted some advice tbh.

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This kind of situation feels really confusing when you’re in it. However, when you’re on the outside looking in, the answer of “what to do” is pretty clear – and I have to tell you what it is, even if it seems harsh or if it’s something you aren’t interested in hearing.

As an unbiased outsider, I can tell you this: you shouldn’t hang out with him and you should stop talking to him until he has legitimately broken up with his girlfriend – and even when/if that relationship ends, you should be super cautious. Why? Because he’s acting like a huge jerk right now.

Here’s what it seems like to you: he’s going out of his way to talk to you, he’s making a connection with you, he’s nice and great, and he’s just stuck in a crappy relationship he might be out of soon anyway. But here’s what is really (probably) happening: he wants to hook up with someone who isn’t his girlfriend, and he more than likely is not going to end things with her. If he really wanted to, he would have done it already! And, on top of that, if he really was a nice, great guy, he wouldn’t be trying to make a connection with another girl when he’s already dating someone.

His explanation of his relationship is lame at best and manipulative at worst. If he’s lying, it’s manipulative: he knows they aren’t planning on breaking up any time soon, but with this excuse, he’s not TOTALLY lying to you. If they break up, he looks good. If they don’t, he can say, “Well, we decided to work things out. I never said we were over.” Or, maybe he does want to end things with her, but he doesn’t want to do it until he has another girl to fall back on – in which case, the explanation is just plain lame. See what I’m saying?

He has been talking to you a lot to get an idea of what he can get away with with you – and you need to end it. Tell him you won’t hang out with him until he breaks up with his girlfriend, and see what he says. If he begs and pleads and puts it off but won’t actually do it, run far away. If he concedes and says you’re right, and ends things with her, then hey – maybe he’s not as bad as I’m thinking. But if he refuses to do it now, he’ll never do it, and you’ll end up being the other girl, which… trust me… is a terrible place to be.

Cut off communication with this guy, move on, and find someone else (becasue there is someone else out there). You don’t deserve this treatment. Furthermore, neither does his girlfriend. Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel if your boyfriend was doing this to someone who wasn’t you. If he ends things with his girlfriend and they’re really over, then maybe you could make things work, but honestly? He sounds like a selfish jerk right now, and I think you can do better. Save yourself the heartache and end this now, before you hang out.

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com You can also reach our buddies at HelloFlo with questions about your body or health. Just ask Dr. Flo at HelloFlo!

 

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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