What To Do If Your Boyfriend Pressures You Into Sexual Stuff

Hey Heather,

My boyfriend of a year and a half has always had a fantasy of having a threesome. I’ve told him he can have one as long as he keeps me out of it and he said he didn’t want to do it if I wasn’t involved. He kept asking, begging, pleading that I be a part of it. As any sane woman would have done, I stood my ground and said, “no.” But he kept asking and finally managed to wear me down. I told him we could do it once as long as the third party (his ex) didn’t touch me. It was my one rule for him to follow and they both agreed to follow it.

Guess what happened? They broke the rule. Since that first time, it’s happened two more times. I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave me alone about it when I tell him no and I can’t keep hearing the begging. How do I tell him I feel ashamed, dirty, and violated because of it? I never want it to happen again, ever. Please help.

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Okay, I’m just going to be blunt about this: what your boyfriend is doing sucks, and borders on sexual violence. Nothing about his pressuring you into a threesome is okay, and you NEVER have to do it again if you don’t want to. Please, please do not do something sexual that makes you feel uncomfortable and violated just so that he can be happy. You’re compromising yourself for his happiness, but he isn’t willing to do the same for you. That sucks!

Sometimes people assume that because they are in a long-term relationship, it’s okay to pressure their partner into sexual stuff. That is never, ever true. It doesn’t matter if he’s been your boyfriend for years, it doesn’t even matter if he’s your husband – you should never be put into a position where you feel like you have to do something you’re uncomfortable with because he won’t leave you alone about it. Your boyfriend is using his position as your boyfriend to get you to do things you don’t like. He knows you don’t want to do it, and yet he continues asking.

On top of that, he has gone against everything he told you. He said he would follow your rule – he didn’t. He said it would be once – it wasn’t. He’s manipulating you and taking advantage of you, and it is not okay. Oh, and the fact that it’s with his ex? That makes things even worse.

Normally when there are relationship issues, I advise someone to talk honestly with their significant other to try and work things out. In this case, I’m telling you to run (not walk) far, far away from this guy and this relationship. He is completely disrespecting you and disrespecting every promise he made you. He doesn’t care about what you want – he only cares about what he wants. He is walking all over you. He is doing things that make you uncomfortable for his happiness without a thought about how you might feel. This isn’t the way a partner should ever act, and you deserve better.

It sounds like you’ve already told him how you feel about this situation. Instead of telling him and seeing if he’ll change, leave. Please. If he’s going to pressure you into a threesome like this, what else will he try to pressure you into later on? You deserve someone who makes compromises with you and who does things that benefit both of you – not things that only benefit him. If you don’t want to have a threesome again, don’t.

It’s hard to break up with someone, but you will feel better if you end things with him. You don’t need someone like that in your life. Please move on from him – you will be so much better off.

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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