8 Signs You Can’t Have A Casual Hookup Even If You Want To

There are many think pieces out there that focus on how “young people” (AKA you and me) are forever ruined by the hookup culture we live in. It’s almost impossible to go on the Internet without stumbling across something about how we don’t date the “real” way anymore, whether it’s a long over-written article by someone my parents’ age who don’t even know young people, or a Facebook status of a girl romanticizing the 1960s dating scene she wasn’t even alive for. If you read these things, you would assume that every “young person” is only interested in a casual hookup and not a relationship. You would be wrong, because some people can’t have successful casual hookups at all.

Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with having a casual hookup, and there is also nothing wrong with not wanting to have a casual hookup. If you love it, go for it! But it’s just not in the cards for some people. A casual hookup, whether it’s a one night stand or a friends with benefits type of deal, is when two people decide to engage in sexy time activities with no emotional entanglements involved. Sounds cut and dry, right? It’s easier said than done. Tons of people get burned because they’re lying to themselves about their ability to only hook up. We’ve all been there (or at least I have) and it sucks. Many of us continue to try to do it, even when it doesn’t make us happy. Let’s stop that. Here are a few signs you can’t have a casual hookup, even if you want to. Don’t let it get you down, it’s just how your heart skips.

You Get Jealous Easily

This person is not your significant other. Yet, you still feel jealous as hell when they flirt with someone else. You can't bear the thought of them hooking up with someone else other than you because it makes you angry. When you talk about casual hookups, a lot of the discussion revolves around you being able to not feel romantic feelings for this person, but to be honest, we should also talk about not having jealous or posessive feelings either. Jealousy is perfectly natural, but you're kidding yourself if you think that it feels good or that it's a productive, helpful feeling. Part of not being attached to this person includes giving them the freedom to hook up with, date, or even fall in love with people who are not you. If that's not okay? Get out.

Source: iStock

You Like To Take It Slow

Going slow is okay. Some people need dates, emotional attentiveness, and the passage of time in order to feel ready to hook up. Casual hookups involve none of this groundwork. If you need this in order to feel ready to have sex, don't attempt to casually have sex with someone. If dates are foreplay for you, be warned that casual hookups don't involve dates, or at least they shouldn't. You aren't somehow more emotionally evolved or cool if you can handle having a hookup buddy instead of a relationship. If you are slow to get physical with someone, your hookups might be close friends you're already comfortable with, but if even that needs some coaxing and positive, loving attention for you to feel ready, a hookup might not be in the cards for you.

Source: iStock

You Overanalyze Every Single Thing

If you're the sort of person who overanalyzes everything, then a causal relationship is going to be tough for you. If you're prone to going down the rabit hole of "Well, I sent them a good morning text that one time last week and then they stayed the night last week, so maybe they DO want a relationship after all! Wait, why are they talking to her..." you might want to look for something more serious. Casual hookups can be confusing and all over the place. There's no commitment, which means that there's nothing you can count on, and that's the worst nightmare for someone who overanalyzes little things.

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You Catch Feelings Like The Common Cold

Some people get emotionally attached faster than other people. You quite literally aren't a player, you just crush a lot. You've found it difficult, in the past, to separate emotional feelings from sexy stuff, and if that's the case, it most likely isn't going to change out of nowhere. If you're the type of person who thinks about your future with someone the second you start talking about them, doodles their name all over your class notes, tells everyone about someone the second you kiss, and is known for falling hard and fast, that's fine - but don't try to be the opposite of that. It isn't going to work in your favor.

Source: iStock

You Feel The Need To Act Like A Couple With Them

If you hook up with someone or start talking/flirting with them, and then you start feeling the urge to do girlfriend stuff, take a step back. Here's what I mean: you hope they'll ask you on a date, you think about introducing them to your friends and maybe your family, you go out of your way to do things for them, and you turn to them when you're upset. This person isn't your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever, so stop treating them like one. And if you can't stop, then maybe the casual sex life just isn't for you.

Source: iStock

You Need More Of A Connection To Make The Sex Good

Casual hook ups exist purely for sexual reasons. You're both in it for the orgasms and physical benefits of hooking up. However, if you aren't coming as frequently or would generally have better orgasms if you two felt connected in a different (dare I say, more intimate) way than just sexually, you might need that connection in order to have good sex. So then, is a hook up situation really worth it? If you only have good sex when you're in a committed relationship, can you truly do a casual hook up if you aren't really getting the full benefits from it? Of course love and sex don't always need to be so strongly linked together, bu for some people, that's how they're wired. No shame in it, just something to know about yourself.

Source: iStock

You Put All Of Your Energy Into Whoever You're Seeing

Part of being open to other people is staying open. Still, sometimes we're accidentally monogamist without realizing it. Sure, you're open to other people in theory, but when you're with someone, you only have the time, interest, or energy to be with them. Everybody else sort of disappears or becomes irrelevant. Now, you might want to only hook up with one person at a time, casually or no, but if that's the case, you should stay romantically open to whatever possibility may come your way. If you're staying emotionally and physically exclusive with just one person, that doesn't sound casual to me, it sounds like the beginning of a relationship. Is that what this is? Talk to your person about the state of your union, but if they're taking up all of your time and energy, you need to free up some of your reserves to potentially meet someone else.

Source: iStock

You View Casually Hooking Up As The First Step To A Relationship

Inevitably, one person will think this way and the other person will not. When this ends, someone is hurt and the other one feels like a bad guy even though they've done nothing wrong. Don't get me wrong, beginnings to relationships are almost always vague and tricky. It's hard to pin down when it starts for real or what this person wants in the long run partially because it's too awkward and too soon to talk about. However, with a casual hookup, you're likely to have that discussion right off the bat. Don't lie to yourself by telling yourself that they'll change their minds eventually and that you'll both develop feelings for each other over time. Trust someone the first time they tell you something. If you aren't on the same page, be honest with yourself and with the other person.

Source: iStock

Can you do casual hook ups or not? Have you tried? Did you get your heart broken? Let us know in the comments!

You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.


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