Halloween is bad. Sorry.
Now, look–I know that most people happen to be quite fond of Halloween, and I also know that it is popular to exhibit an interest in what many see as traditionally “spooky” and Halloween-related behavior, such as dressing like Wednesday Addams and joining a coven for fun, on all days of the year. And, obviously, I am not here to ruin anyone’s fun (I would never!). In fact, I don’t even necessarily think that Halloween is, like, terrible, even, so much as it is over-hyped.
I don’t know if it’s the kind of thing that is objectively good, like pizza and those little illustrations of handlebar mustaches, that has become ruined due to its over-saturation in the Tumblr and Etsy markets, or is something that was never actually great in the first place, like House of Cards and Barb from Stranger Things (why is everyone so obsessed with her!!!), but has somehow garnered an ironclad reputation as being so totally amazing that no one feels they can question it. In the end, however, it doesn’t actually matter. Halloween as, like, an institution, is not great.
Of course, this is all subjective. As with everything else, you are obviously free to like what you like and dislike what you dislike without taking my neurotic, arbitrary reasoning into account for your own judgment. So, check out these reasons why–in my opinion!–Halloween is actually overrated:
1. There is simply no reason for the season anymore!
The Halloween hype starts on, like, the first day of August now. Its memes start even sooner. Pumpkin Spice Lattes–the accepted beverage of Halloween–become available on September 1st. This is fine and all, if you can genuinely maintain the same amount of excitement for nearly three full months, but you should also know that Halloween’s early start time is basically all just a way for you to buy more things. Stay woke!!
2. The best part of Halloween is the candy, obviously. But it’s hard to ration–you either eat it all within the first few days after Halloween, which is sickening…
3. …Or you hoard it all for months, saving the best ones for last, which results in your favorite candy eventually becoming stale or getting stolen by your little sister. Also sickening!
4. It is also possible that your parents will buy your candy from you for five cents a piece, which you later realize is nothing more than an elaborate scheme to get you to eat less sugar.
This is possibly a very specific personal anecdote. But you get the idea.
5. Either way, the candy is too small.
With the exception of the blessèd neighbor who gives out king-sized bars of “whatever you want,” since they don’t have kids and don’t have to deal with your sugar rush.
6. Plus, there’s always that one neighbor who thinks that, like, one miniature Tootsie Roll is an acceptable candy option.
Almost as evil as the neighbor who gives out boxes of raisins.
7. Also, let’s talk about the means you have to transport candy. It’s not great.
8. You’ve either got those lame-ass plastic Jack-O-Lanterns, which don’t even hold anything useful but still make those deep, painful gouges in your hands if there’s so much as, like, four pieces of candy in there:
9. Or pillowcases, which are much more effective for hauling candy, but get heavy AF and require a firm grip that puts a LOT of pressure on your tender, delicate wrists:
10. Plus, if you live anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon line, you can pretty much forget about wearing a costume that shows any skin.
October 31st is cold, y’all.
11. But guess what? Trick-or-treating is about as good as it gets. Once you phase out of that–around, say, when you are about twelve or nineteen–you’re expected to go to your friend’s basement party, where your mom doesn’t let you wear the costume you want to wear and everyone gets to make out with someone except for you!
Which gets worse in college, when you are expected to go to at least fifty-seven parties the weekend of Halloween, plus, like, seven every weekend leading up to it.
12. Everyone wears the same costumes.
Literally all you’re going to see this year is Barb and Ken Bones. Sorry.
13. And if someone isn’t wearing the same costume as you, the costume they’re wearing is offensive and tone-deaf and makes you want to die, or at least write an impassioned thinkpiece on a prominent women’s website!
14. The entire month of October is so spooky all the time? Why??
Take, for example, targeted YouTube ads. I do not need to see a trailer for Rings right before I do my “calming bedtime yoga” routine!!
15. Carving pumpkins? Awful.
They smell bad and it’s hard!
16. Those haunted houses where you pay, like, actual money for strangers to jump out at you in the dark? Also awful.
To quote one of my very favorite tweets, “If I pay $40 for a haunted house, I better die.”
17. The very serious Clown Problem that the United States is currently enduring.
Not here for it!
18. Like everything else, it’s never as great as you think it’s going to be.
This is what I call the “New Year’s Eve Syndrome”–basically, high exceptions tend to lead to disappointment. This is fine! Just know to expect it.
What do you think about Halloween? Is it actually overrated? Let us know in the comments!