How To Tell Your Boyfriend You Snooped Through His Phone (And Found Something)

Hey Heather,

About a month ago, I was using my boyfriend’s phone and a message from his baby mama popped up. I let my curiosity get the better of me and opened up the message. The conversation was short, but the top message was from him and it said, “I know you don’t think so, but I didn’t just stop caring about you.” Then she replied “Yea Right.”

We’ve been dating about a year and they were broken up for a year before and I am the first woman in his life since. I’m pretty sure he was just checking in on her and his kid cause they were flying down to Florida and she always has some snarky comment to say to him like, “Why do you care,” but the message bothered me that he would tell her he still cared. I’m not sure what to make of it. I never said anything to him because I didn’t want him to think I was snooping. It’s been over a month now, and I still think about it from time to time. He’s never done anything to make me think I can’t trust him but I still kind of want to confront him about it, but not sure how or if I really should? How do you tell your BF you went through his phone?


The number one problem with snooping is that, eventually, you most likely have to admit that you snooped. So, while you might have found something that you have the right to be mad or hurt about, you also have to be ready to admit that you did the wrong thing. That immediately turns the argument into a more complex, frustrating, annoying fight. Because, yeah, reading his texts might reveal he’s betraying you – but in a sense, you’re also betraying his trust. Reading your significant other’s texts is something I always advise against. It’s an invasion of privacy, and it’s not cool – you clearly know that, or you would have told him already.

The other reason snooping is a bad idea is because it automatically makes you feel more anxious. As you read his texts, you know you’re doing the wrong thing – and you’re also hyper aware of every single thing he’s writing or doing with that phone. You’re looking for something shady, and in a weird way, you start to want to find something shady. Not only is it easier to misinterpret the meaning of a text message without any real context, but it’s even easier to do so when you’re already feeling anxious and stressed. As you search for something off, you start to assume worst about anything you find.

That doesn’t mean you might not find something. You definitely could! Your snooping could lead to the realization that bae is cheating on you – or doing something behind your back. That’s definitely a possibility. But there’s also the possibility that you’ll read something without context, take it the wrong way, and then create a situation that didn’t need to be created in the first place.

I don’t know what’s going on with your boyfriend and his ex. He could have been saying he cares about her, but not in a romantic way – in a “you’re my kid’s mom” type of way, which makes sense. He could have been saying that because he’s afraid if he doesn’t be nicer to her, he won’t get to see his kid as much. He could have said it as the result of a fight. And yeah, he could have said it in a weird “I still love you” type of way. We don’t know! And we won’t know, unless you ask about it, because he’s the only one who can tell you that.

It sounds to me like this is something that is really bothering you. It’s been a month, and you can’t forget about it or move on. It seems like it’s making you question him and your relationship. Don’t just push this aside and try to forget about it unless you honestly think you can do that. If you are going to do that, it has to be a commitment where decide to forgive him and no longer think about. If you can’t do that, that’s fine – then you need to be honest with him.

Just be straight and explain what happened – you were using his phone, the text popped up, you read through the conversation. You knew it was wrong, you feel bad that you did it, but it happened, and now you don’t know what to think. Ask him for the truth – then it’s up to you whether you want to trust him or not. Is it weird that he texted that to his ex? It is, but remember that they have a child together – they will always, always be linked in some way. You either have to learn to trust him when he says he doesn’t want to be with her, or decide to move on on your own.

There’s always the possibility that your BF will get mad that you went through his phone. In that case, just be real with him. Say you did it and you knew it was wrong, but it happened, and it won’t happen again. Sometimes people try to wriggle their way out of it with more lies, which just makes things more complicated and messy. He can choose to forgive you or not – that’s his choice. But at least you’ve been honest! This is a tough situation, but it’s one you have to confront in order to feel better. Good luck!

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