Ask A Guy: Is An Older Guy Always Using You For Sex?

Hey Joel,

I have a friend, who is fifteen, and she has recently been hanging out with an eighteen-year-old. From what I’ve heard (she goes to a different school) this guy is not that great of an influence. Her best friend also told me that she has had sex with this guy. I am afraid that he is taking advantage of her, and I’m all for doing what you want with your body, but not when it could be mentally affecting my friend. This guy is an adult, and I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, because it could’ve just been a rumor. But I’m scared for her. I guess my main question is, is an older guy always taking advantage of you?

dont-know-what-to-do

While you’re right in thinking that everyone has a right to do whatever they want with their own body, that does have some qualifications. It’s nice to think that you can just sit back and not care at all, but as a good friend, you are right to intervene here, and there are a number of reasons why you should act fast.

First off, in almost every state, the fact that she is only fifteen means she is likely below the age of consent. This has very serious legal ramifications for this guy, and there may be additional laws in play since he is over eighteen years old. I get that you don’t want to go calling the cops or anything, but just know that if they are indeed having sex, it is almost assuredly illegal.

The bigger question here is whether or not this guy is using her, and I would have a very difficult time coming up with any answer other than “absolutely.” When you see that age difference at that age, it makes you wonder why this guy isn’t dating girls his own age. While a three year difference isn’t that big a deal once you’re older, the level of maturity between fifteen and eighteen is more than significant.

However, older guys are not always taking advantage of younger girls. Again, this has to do more with the actual ages than the question of older versus younger. Using the same age difference, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a twenty-five-year-old dating a twenty-two-year-old and so on. As I see it, once both people are over eighteen, the level of maturity (or at least judgment) sort of evens out, and age matters less as you get older.

That all being said, I would try to find some time to have a heart to heart talk with your friend. I would explain your concern over this older guy, and that you’re concerned he is just using her, and as a friend, you want to make sure someone is looking out for her best interests. She might not appreciate it now, but in the long run, she’ll thank you for being a solid friend.

Best wishes,

Joel

Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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  • Kat

    Not true, I would say just be there for her, because honestly, she’s not going to stop seeing him. Don’t worry too much. My first bf was 18 when I was 15, we had a good relationship. It is a bit of a difference, but I have always liked and dated older guys, and really, it all comes down to how old they REALLY are. Their maturity. A lot of girls are more mature than guys at any age! Obviously not a 10 year old girl and a 20 year old guy, but in this instance, it’s not hard to imagine; Especially since I did it. Has she been through a lot? If so, she’s probably fine and he’s probably learning a thing or two from her. The sex, he probably is more experienced in, but he may not be, who knows. Really, if they break up, they break up and it may, but it may not have anything to do with the sex. My ex and I broke up, but it had nothing to do with sex and/or age. Also, yes, it is technically illegal, BUT the ONLY way they could get into trouble for it is if HER parents alerted authorities. If they are fine with it, or skeptical, but not trying to make a report on it, I’d literally just chill and remain the same friend you’ve always been. It actually is kind of messed up that everyone is talking about it—it’s their relationship and it may not last, but she’ll have other relationships that won’t last either, so don’t get all up in her business in that way. She’s a girl, she’s in a relationship, she’s having a good time, don’t ruin it for her before you even know if he’s a jerk, because chances are you’re never going to know until he does something obviously wrong, so don’t try to guess or assume or anticipate for that moment, it’s just a big waste of energy. What if he’s not? You’ll never know for sure until that day comes, or doesn’t. I’m just saying, I wouldn’t appreciate it if my friends were all worrying about it and I wasn’t. I know she’s probably naive, but let her be. Let her learn. She’ll be alright. Like I said, she most definitely won’t hear ANYBODY out on this, so just be the same friend to her, and she’ll appreciate that a lot, that you supported her decisions, and that when she needs you, you’re there. You can’t help if she gets hurt, you just can’t. Tell her how you feel if you want, but don’t be surprised if she gets mad, or refuses to acknowledge the possibility altogether. And NEVER say “I told you so” that is completely irrelevant to the situation. You don’t know everything before it happens, so don’t act like she needs to listen to you all the time if you end up being right this time.