What To Do If Your Boyfriend’s Parents Don’t Want You Together

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and we’re happier than ever. We do have hardships, however: his parents don’t approve of him dating someone who is a different race (he’s Caucasian and I’m mixed) and they have never agreed to us from the very beginning. We’ve stuck through it and are more in love than ever. But recently, his dad told him he has to make a choice between me and his family. I want what’s best for him and for him to be happy in all aspects of his life, and this is really hurting him. I don’t expect him to choose me, he’s still dependent on his parents as we are only one year out of school. I feel selfish if he chooses me, because he’ll be losing his family. I know he doesn’t want to end things and I don’t either, but I don’t know what to when his parents don’t want us together. Please help.


I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It honestly sucks that, in 2016, we’re still dealing with this kind of racist crap (there’s no other way to explain it). While I’m sure your boyfriend is lovely, his parents sound like pretty awful people. They’re making him choose between them and someone who makes him happy, and that is showing complete disregard for what he wants. It’s not nice, it’s unfair, and it’s just gross. There are so many negative ways to describe it!

In all honesty, though, I’m not sure how much you can do here. This is your boyfriend’s decision, and one that he has to make on his own. You can definitely talk to him about it, and maybe you should consider talking to his parents on your own. But when it comes to what choice he’s going to make, he needs to figure out what to do about that.

Here’s what I think you should do, though: start by being honest with everyone. Talk to your boyfriend and get an idea of how he feels about this and what he wants to do, and let him know how it makes you feel. You should really consider saying something to his family – it doesn’t have to be mean or rude, it doesn’t have to be a fight, but maybe you guys need to communicate. If you feel uncomfortable with that idea, try writing them a letter or email explaining how much you care about your BF and how this is hurting both of you. It might not work, but at least you know you tried!

After that, it’s about figuring out what you’re going to do once your BF makes his decision. If he chooses you, are you guys prepared to be on your own without their help (him more on that one, but you’ll probably be helping out, so it affects you too). If he chooses his family, are you going to be okay with ending things? These are tough things to think about, and I love that you’re trying to do what is best for him – it shows that you care more about his feelings than his own parents do.

In the end, though, you kind of just need to wait and see what happens. If you pressure your BF to stay with you, you might feel guilty and he might end up feeling resentful – and that could happen if it’s the other way around, too. So, it needs to be his decision, but you can definitely do your part. Try to make things okay with his family and work with him on that. Some people are stubborn AF, and it might not work, but it’s worth trying. And hey, maybe your BF needs to speak up or defend himself against his parents. I don’t know if he’s done that or has been doing that, but maybe he needs to! Encourage him to speak his mind. Stay supportive as much as you can, and remember: this isn’t about you. It’s about his parents, and their ignorance and inability to accept an interracial relationship. It’s irrational and racist and disgusting, but there isn’t much you can do to change someone’s mind. In the meantime, maybe try finding a therapist or someone you trust to talk to – trust me, you’ll need to vent.

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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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