11 Horrible Crimes That Have Been Committed Against The Pumpkin Spice Flavor

Just as Hillary Clinton has spent her entire adult life trying to fight off Isis, I often feel as though I have spent my entire adult life doing something equally taxing–trying to figure out how, exactly, I feel about pumpkin spice. 

You know, the flavor. On the whole, my overall sentiment towards pumpkin spice probably averages out at a solid “meh”–pumpkin bread is great, pumpkin spice lattes are just okay, and pumpkin pie is trash and also the worst part of Thanksgiving, don’t @ me–but a lot of the time, it seems as though one must take a definitive, declarative stance on pumpkin spice and all of its derivatives. Some herald it as the true reason for the season (the “season” being autumn and the Jesus-reason stand-in being, uh, a PSL), some malign it as the emblem of all that is basic, and still others say that calling anything basic is problematic and reductive. It’s a lot!

In any case, I suspect that, like most things, it doesn’t actually matter. Eat pumpkin spice if you want, don’t if you don’t, and, uh, that’s it. Today, however, I have some pretty solid pieces of evidence that may be used in the case against pumpkin spice in the form of pumpkin spice-based products that exist, for some reason, even though there is no earthly reason why they ever should. So, check out these totally unnecessary, egregious, and offensive crimes committed against the pumpkin spice flavor in recent memory:


Kale Chips

LISTEN. I love kale. I love kale chips. I even, on occasion, love some pumpkin spice. But these flavors, together, are, objectively, an abomination.

Image source:Amazon

Kitty Litter

NO.

Image source:Buzzfeed

Pasta Sauce

Like pumpkin pie! On, uh, your pasta. Sure!

Image source:World Market

Dog Food

Your dog doesn't appreciate this. I promise.

Image source:Buzzfeed

Fish Bait

Nor does the fish that you are trying to capture, gut, and one day, eat.

Image source:eBay

French Fries

These are from McDonald's, but, for now, available in Japan. With good reason? Probably.

Image source:FoodBeast

DIY Funnel Fries

Of course, you can make your own pumpkin spice fries with this DIY pinterest recipe. It looks like it might be pretty good, actually, but on principle I have to Just Say No.

Image source:Pinterest

Hummus

HARD PASS.

Image source:Pinterest

Martini

All I want is to wake up from this dream.

Image source:Pinterest

Seltzer

The last stop on LaCroix's reign of terror.

Image source:Polar Seltxer

Pringle

Not to kink shame, but this is an abomination.

Image source:Pringles

 

 

What do you think of pumpkin spice? Would you ever eat any of these flavors? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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