Just as Hillary Clinton has spent her entire adult life trying to fight off Isis, I often feel as though I have spent my entire adult life doing something equally taxing–trying to figure out how, exactly, I feel about pumpkin spice.
You know, the flavor. On the whole, my overall sentiment towards pumpkin spice probably averages out at a solid “meh”–pumpkin bread is great, pumpkin spice lattes are just okay, and pumpkin pie is trash and also the worst part of Thanksgiving, don’t @ me–but a lot of the time, it seems as though one must take a definitive, declarative stance on pumpkin spice and all of its derivatives. Some herald it as the true reason for the season (the “season” being autumn and the Jesus-reason stand-in being, uh, a PSL), some malign it as the emblem of all that is basic, and still others say that calling anything basic is problematic and reductive. It’s a lot!
In any case, I suspect that, like most things, it doesn’t actually matter. Eat pumpkin spice if you want, don’t if you don’t, and, uh, that’s it. Today, however, I have some pretty solid pieces of evidence that may be used in the case against pumpkin spice in the form of pumpkin spice-based products that exist, for some reason, even though there is no earthly reason why they ever should. So, check out these totally unnecessary, egregious, and offensive crimes committed against the pumpkin spice flavor in recent memory:
Kale ChipsLISTEN. I love kale. I love kale chips. I even, on occasion, love some pumpkin spice. But these flavors, together, are, objectively, an abomination. Image source:Amazon
Kitty LitterNO. Image source:Buzzfeed
Pasta SauceLike pumpkin pie! On, uh, your pasta. Sure! Image source:World Market
Dog FoodYour dog doesn't appreciate this. I promise. Image source:Buzzfeed
Fish BaitNor does the fish that you are trying to capture, gut, and one day, eat. Image source:eBay
French FriesThese are from McDonald's, but, for now, available in Japan. With good reason? Probably. Image source:FoodBeast
DIY Funnel FriesOf course, you can make your own pumpkin spice fries with this DIY pinterest recipe. It looks like it might be pretty good, actually, but on principle I have to Just Say No. Image source:Pinterest
HummusHARD PASS. Image source:Pinterest
MartiniAll I want is to wake up from this dream. Image source:Pinterest
SeltzerThe last stop on LaCroix's reign of terror. Image source:Polar Seltxer
PringleNot to kink shame, but this is an abomination. Image source:Pringles
What do you think of pumpkin spice? Would you ever eat any of these flavors? Let us know in the comments!