If you’re in college, you may have noticed that almost everyone, it seems, has some sort of story to tell about their freshman roommate. It’s not hard to imagine why–when it comes to roommates, you’re either living with a total stranger or a friend who, at some point, becomes a total stranger because of some weird trait they reveal upon move-in, like staying up all night to watch TV, or cooking food at inappropriate times, or, I don’t know, going out every night, getting ill, and using your vacuum cleaner to clean up their own vomit. (This one happened not to me, but to a friend.)
Some roommate stories, however, are much better than others. And by “better,” of course, what I really mean is “worse”–like, catastrophically terrible living situations that are slavagable only because of the potential they have for really, really good stories. You’ve probably heard about what I have taken to referring to as, simply, The Letter (you know, the one in which a girl emailed her future roommates to tell them that she’s “not gonna settle for anything less than what I’m gonna tell you that I’m gonna get once I arrive in the dorm”), but, as it turns out, there are a ton of other, (almost) equally crazy roommate stories from other people too. So, if you’ve got a not-so-great roommate situation going on right now, check out these totally insane real-life college roommate stories, sourced from a few Reddit threads. They’ll (hopefully) make you feel better about your own roommate:
1. The one who is just…passionate about pudding:
chillybomb said: My roommate freshman year got completely hammered, came back to the room around 1 in the morning, and accused me of stealing the pudding in her fridge that she had ate an hour before she went out. She waited until I fell asleep and then stabbed me in the arm with one of those clicky pencils…I had to go to the hospital to get it cleaned/stitched. She got kicked out.
2. The toilet paper denier:
demonfizz said: I had a roommate who absolutely refused to buy toilet paper. After weeks of her stealing ours, the other three of us started hiding it so she would be forced to buy her own. Instead, she started taking heaps of napkins from restaurants and stealing rolls of our paper towels. One night we all went out to dinner, came home, and the entire basement was flooded because she backed up the toilet with god only knows how much sh*t that shouldn’t ever be flushed. That and she would keep piles of old food laying around her room…never did laundry…most disgusting human being I’ve ever met.
3. The one who knows how to give, um, a good greeting:
goodassusername said: Day one of first year university. My floor in residence (unbeknownst to me) was playing a drinking game involving roasted clams. The objective being to make any puke as disgusting as it can be for whoever has to clean it up. My roommate waltzes into the room around two AM… At three I wake up to this putrid smell and this smell of partially digested roasted clams and this god-awful choking sound. He had projectile vomited while laying on his back. Long story short, I had to clear his airway of clams that he had obviously swallowed whole and give mouth to mouth resuscitation and CPR. I will never forget that taste. On the plus side, residence services upgraded me to a Community Advisors suite for a week while the room was being cleaned.
4. The passionate lover:
TheMadStork said: Walked in on him – room full of lit candles – masturbating furiously on bed covered in rose petals. Apparently, some girl was supposed to come over and she did not show. The image still haunts my dreams.
5. The fitness lover:
PorterStreeter said: My roommate and I didn’t get along from day one. She would eat my food, lend out my clothes to friends, and listen to my music without asking. I in turn ignored her. One night I heard a creaking in her bed. She slept in the bunk above my bed to save room. Her bed was moving rhythmically. I assumed she was masturbating and tried to block out the noise as I fell asleep. I told a few close friends how annoyed I was that she would do that with me in the room. It happened on a consistent basis. One night, I decided to confront her. When I heard the squeaking, I got up and was about to tell her to stop. It turns out she was doing sit-ups in bed. I didn’t tell a soul…
6. The “weird” couple:
Gumshoe said: My roommate was a pretty shy dude. He didn’t talk a lot, only had one friend, and spent most of his time playing Halo with that one friend. Eventually, toward the end of the year, he got a girlfriend. This was his first girlfriend, and I think he was her first boyfriend too, so they had a weird way of showing intimacy. For example, she would regularly spend an hour or more popping zits on his back (he had bacne). Also, he once told me that when he or she had to shit, the other would sit in the bathroom as well to keep each other company. They would also sometimes hold hands to prove to each other how close they were. It mostly didn’t bother me, but one time I walked into the living room, and he covered up his junk really quickly with a pillow. I thought I’d walked in on a handjob, so I was like “sorry guys, I’ll get out of your way. She said “No, it’s not what you think. I was just trimming his pubes. Seriously, he doesn’t even have a boner.” They were weird.
7. The party animals:
do_right_now said: First 3 weeks of college, my roommate and I shared a common room with two other roommates. The two others were big party animals (cool with me) but one night, one of them, goes out, gets absolutely hammered, pukes, etc, so my roommate and I clean her up. Next morning we go to leave the apt and the entire place smells like shit. Not figuratively, LITERALLY. We check on drunk roommate. She is sleeping in her bed, and has proceeded to sh*t herself, in her bed and then rolled around in it in the night. Oh yes and she is wearing a thong, so that was even better. We spent the whole day airing out the apt and she attempted to clean her bed and sheets without vomiting. It was a memorable introduction to say the least.
8. The Disney stan:
LoooveCommando said: “I had a roommate in college who could only fall asleep if he watched Disney movies at night. I had to listen to them every night for hours trying to sleep. And I now hate the Lion King with the passion of a thousand burning suns.”
9. The (not-so-bright) thief:
Spartannia said: Mine stole my credit card, and spent over $600. He was dumb enough to return the card to my wallet after using it, which really narrowed down the list of potential suspects.
10. The con artist:
SwillFish said: My freshman roommate made and sold fake baptismal certificates that other students would use to get fake IDs. Sometimes I’d be in the room alone when some complete stranger would knock on the door to ask if this was the place to buy fake IDs. By the end of the year my roommate had made over $6,000 and never got busted.
11. The pure of heart:
AquaAndMint said: The first place I lived on campus was in a suite with three other girls. My actual roommate was nice enough, but she constantly (even while she slept) listened to a playlist with about twenty awful country songs. Over and over and over. Also, if she ever listened to other music (more country), she would FLIP OUT and run over and turn off the volume if a song with a “bad word” came on. Then her and the other two girls got angry with me because I wouldn’t go to church or non-drinking parties with them. I had to move to the honors dorm where things were slightly more normal.
What do you think of these horror stories? Do you have any of your own?Let us know in the comments!