Ask A Guy: How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Being Too Possessive

Hey Joel,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two and half years. About half a year ago, I met this guy on the Internet and it has strictly been platonic. I have plenty of other male friends that he has no problem with when I text or call, but when it comes to this friend I met over the internet, my boyfriend is very insecure. I constantly have to assure him that there is nothing going on between us, but he still doesn’t trust me. When I ask him why he doesn’t, he says it’s because I met him over the Internet and that it’s not that he doesn’t trust me, it’s that he doesn’t trust him. That doesn’t make any sense to me because he should trust me to make sure that I make sure nothing gets beyond friendship. Is this actually a problem?

jealous

The question of whether or not this situation is a problem is actually very simple: Yes. Not only is this other relationship causing friction between you and your boyfriend, but trust issues are clearly present as well. Trust is one of, if not the most important part of any successful relationship, and when that is in doubt, so is your entire relationship.

While I totally understand that you feel your boyfriend is being unreasonable or overly-paranoid about this other guy, it is a bit strange that he’s singled out this one person. If he had an issue with EVERY guy you were friends with, it would make more sense that he was just insecure. The fact that this specific guy makes him uncomfortable, however, actually works against you.

Maybe your relationship with this other guy is and has always been strictly platonic, but there is some element that makes your boyfriend uncomfortable. There is a very good chance that it’s because this other guy is just on the internet, and not an in-person type friend. Without that face-to-face time, there’s no way to know his real intent or personality, and I honestly think your boyfriend has good reason to be wary.

My question to you is: if your boyfriend has been this uneasy with this other guy for so long, why are you still friends with him? I don’t think you need to keep only the friends your partner approves of, but since this is really a one-off situation with a specific guy, take a good long look at that friendship, and see if you can understand why it’s causing so many problems.

In the end, you need to make a choice: your boyfriend or this other guy. The longer you stay in communication with this other guy, the more likely that you’ll lose your boyfriend. Yeah, it sucks that you can’t have both, but your boyfriend is basically forcing your hand. So, if you think he’s overreacting and not worth losing your friend, dump your boyfriend. If not, you need to cut communication with this other guy, or your boyfriend may make the decision for you and leave.

Best wishes,

Joel

Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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  • My advice:

    If an Internet friend is seriously having you and your boyfriend fight, it’s not worth it, as guys (and girls) online may be very notoriously untrustworthy. Not everyone says who they say they are. Perhaps this friend you met could be a 30 year old promiscuous girl who is trying to build a wedge between you and your bf. Or it could be some 80 year old guy criminal wanting to take advantage of you sexually. Whoever it is, your bf has a right to worry, as this can damage your relationship if you don’t analyse this situation properly and carefully. I have no idea if he’s possessive or is just trying to look out for you, but whatever it is, watch your back..