Over this past weekend, I visited my hometown for the first time in months. This, ostensibly, was for a friend’s wedding and my mom’s birthday–both of which happened to be on the same weekend and a valid enough reason to pay a visit–but secretly as a means of having my family’s house all to myself for a couple of days, since my parents were going out of town.
I live with roommates now (three of them!) and while they are all great and I cherish their individual presences at almost all times, especially when I get a little too wrapped up in internet conspiracy theories late at night and need someone to shunt my anxiety upon, I had kind of forgotten how legitimately great it is to have the house totally to yourself.
Basically, being home alone is pretty much just a pass to be as gross as you can in the allotted time you have the house to yourself. (I mean, you could have a party, I guess, but, like–why?) Nobody is there to judge you, after all, and as long as it doesn’t go on for too long–like, to the point where you might be featured on A&E’s Hoarders–it’s totally cool. Check out these gross–or, if not gross, certainly weird–things you do when you’re home alone that you’d never tell anyone else:
1. Walk around in your underwear.
2. Or, you know, walk around naked. Hey, nobody’s home–why not?
3. Eat, like, everything in your house.
4. Out of the jar.
5. Usually while standing right in front of the refrigerator.
6. Leave everything empty in the fridge. You’ll clean it up later. (Or not.)
7. Also, around the house. (You will clean it up later! Maybe!)
8. Spread your homework out all over the dining room table as a “motivation technique,” then immediately forget about all of it.
9. Watch every show you swear you never watch but you’re secretly addicted to in one sitting.
10. Postpone showers until they can’t be postponed anymore, and then, take the longest shower you have ever taken.
11. Catch up on your “body maintenance”–you know, eyebrows, fingernails, toenails, pubes.
12. Put on a sheet mask, solely so that you can lots of pictures for a comedy Instagram post.
13. Look at your face in every Snapchat filter. For three hours.
14. Put on one of those “baby foot” socks and leave the skin you shed literally, not figuratively, all over the house.
15. Do your own Macaulay Culkin Home Alone tribute, complete with an aftershave ritual:
16. Just languish in your own filth, basically. It’s cool. You’ve earned it.
Do you ever do these things when you’re home alone? Which ones? Let us know in the comments!