15 Gross Words For “Penis” That Will Actually Make You Want To Die

Words, as I am sure you learned in at least one of your early elementary school classes, can hurt. They hurt when they’re used to make fun of someone, when they’re used to demean someone, and they are used to devalue someone. But words hurt with an especially biting, bone-deep sting when they are used–as they often are–to refer to one’s genitalia.

Specifically, male genitalia. For whatever reason, there are a ton of slang terms that mean “penis” (this “whatever reason” being, of course, that most guys tend to obsessed with their junk) and most of them happen to be genuinely hurtful. There are so many that someone once made a literal timeline of all of the words that, at one point, have been used to mean “penis” over the years, and the list contained 2,400 entries. That’s a lot of penises! Check out these gross slang terms for the word “penis” that are so objectively terrible you won’t be able to contain yourself:

1. “Manhood:”

gross-veep-anna-chlumsky

Bad on its own, legitimately nauseating when paired with “engorged,” as it too often is. Sorry for reminding you of it.

 

2. “The Pleasure Pump:”

bluth-shutting-door

No.

 

3.  “Anaconda:”

disgusted

Popularized by musical artist Sir Mix A Lot in “Baby Got Back,” a song my mom once made me listen to while trapped with her in the car because it promotes “body positivity”–and, yet, it is painful every time.

 

4. “One-Eyed Monster:”

hillary-clinton-squint

A Shakespearean epithet if I ever heard one!

 

5. “Pecker:”

lauren-conrad-no

Sounds…small.

 

6. “Knob:”

stop

Again–small.

 

7. “Trouser snake:”

amy-schumer-gross

I do have a fondness for this term, as it was used frequently in my favorite YA books series Angus, Thongs, And Full-Frontal Snogging, but anyone who actually refers to a legitimate penis in this way is not to be trusted!

 

8. “Skin flute:”

ew-emma-stone

nO.

 

9. “Third leg:”

lady-gaga-skeptical

IN WHAT WORLD.

 

10. “Chubbie:”

ew

Like  the shorts!

 

11. “Dangler:”

heigl-ew

Because it…dangles. You may be noticing that not one of these terms could be categorized as “subtle.” Not that they are exactly trying.

 

12. “Lap rocket:”

dont

Setting someone up for a lot of disappointment, if you ask me!

 

13. “Leaky Hose:”

kerry-washington-disgusted-scandal

…hard pass.

 

14. “Baloney Pony:”

gross

NO THANK YOU.

 

15. “Pork Sword:”

rihanna-goodbye

Well, I do think that’s enough for today. Goodbye.

 

What do you think of these slang terms? Which one brought you the most personal trauma? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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