9 Beauty Products That Don’t Do Anything That You’re Obsessed With Anyway

If there is anything in this world that I genuinely enjoy, it is being pandered to. Truly! As a member of that exclusive 18-34 millennial demographic, I often find that, where meditation and yoga fail, I can always find solace in being told what I should like, how much I should like it, and where, exactly, I can buy it. The most effective and soothing form of pandering? Anything that is makeup and beauty-related.

Specifically, I am comforted by “cool girl” (emphasis on the quotes) makeup and skincare brands like Glossier and Milk and Make that have built individualized but more or less interchangeable beauty empires on excellent Instagram accounts, pink-and-white aesthetics, and a promise that the entire point of their products is that they don’t actually do all that much. The beauty-industrial complex has been around for a while, after all, but it has never been quite so sophisticated as it is now, with the promise that you can have beauty and feminism lumped into one $28 bottle of highlighter that’s noticeable, but only if you know it’s there.

Anyway. As far as I can tell, these beauty products don’t really do anything, but I’m obsessed with them. You’re obsessed with them. We’re all obsessed with them. And that’s the makeup marketing machine, baby! Check them out here:

Face Balm

I am losing my frikken mind over this "melon"-colored face balm from the goop store! It says that it "doesn’t read as 'lipstick' or even 'gloss,'" leading me to believe that it reads as nothing at all! I need it!!

Buy it at goop for $28

Pre-Shave Oil

The goop store also has this pre-shave oil, which "creates a barrier to protect against the harsh effects of the razor." OK!

Buy it at goop for $35

Face Gloss

For when you want you face to look sweaty. Not that sweaty. But a little sweaty. (I do.)

Buy it at Milk for $20

Lip Exfoliator

Lip exfoliator is one of those products that no one needs, truly, but becomes curiously addictive once you start, for no reason other than that it is a slightly abnormal sensation on your lips. This is particularly true with Make's "Sea Salt Exfoliator And Marine Lip Repair," which combines some sea salt and lip balm in one package. It is $40.

Buy it at Make for $38

Flower Face Mist

Those wild freaks over at Glossier have come up with this "soothing face mist," which promises to "prep your skin for the Priming Moisturizer." This, if you are using your critical reading skills, means that it prepares your skin to be prepared for makeup. I love it!!

Buy it at Glossier for $39

Avocado Under Eye Treatment

I have been using this every night for the past six months or so and, as of yet, there has not even been a slight difference in my under eye condition. In fact, a few weeks ago, when I saw my younger brother for the first time in months, he asked me if the circles under my eyes were black eyes. Will I continue to use the cream? Yes. I enjoy the ritual.

Buy it at Kiehl's for $48

Bulgarian Rosewater

This is a "delicately fragrant water" that allegedly "balances and replenishes skin with essential oils." I am very skeptical about it, and, to prove my skepticism, should probably buy at least three bottles just to make sure that it is a scam. If you know what I mean.

Buy it at goop for $65

Sunshine Oil

I don't know what this "Sunshine Oil" is meant to do, exactly. Milk doesn't really seem to know, either--they say, it is the "perfect" everything oil, and " despite it's [sic] cheery name this product is not a tanning oil and contains no SPF." OK!

Buy it at Milk for $38

Beauty Elixir

Here is a Kypris "beauty elixir," from the goop store, obviously. I am sure it works in some capacity. It is just that it also costs $200, and there is nothing that can possibly work that well. (I need it.)

Buy it at goop for $200/a>

What do you think of these products? Are you obsessed with them too? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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  • Leasia

    Exfoliating my lips gets rid of the dry chapped skin. So useful in the winter and it makes my matte lipstick look even better. I don’t but it though, we not made of money out here. I just make some with sugar, honey, and sometimes evoo or evco.