I have a problem with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for six months and he is always so sweet when he’s around me but when he’s with his friends he’s like a different person. He doesn’t even like to hang out with me and his friends, but lately I’ve been asking him to include me. But I really don’t like what I see–he barely acknowledges me, first of all, and all they do is make gross jokes about sex and other women. I try to make an effort to talk to them and be involved in the conversation, but everyone brushes me off. I get that he needs guy time or whatever but it’s almost like he has a split personality or something. Why does he do this? Does this mean that my boyfriend is fake when he’s around me, or fake when he’s around his friends?
The problem you’re facing is one that I think all women deal with at one (or many) points in life: you’re dating someone immature and insecure. It may sound harsh, but there is a difference between “guy time” and acting like an 8th grader, and if he can’t even adjust his actions when you’re around, you might want to move onto someone further in life.
While there is no question that everyone, regardless of gender, needs time with their friends, the fact that he doesn’t want you along ever isn’t a good sign. You should be able to hang out with your significant other’s friends without it being weird or awkward–not that you have to be super close with them–but at least enough to hang out. Furthermore, the fact that he doesn’t step in when his friends ignore you also implies that he cares more about how his friends feel about him than he does about your relationship.
Insofar as your question of whether he’s being fake to either you or his friends, I would say he’s being completely himself with both–and that’s the worst part of it all. When you’re alone with him, he shows that he has the potential to be a great guy, but once he’s with his friends, you can clearly see that he’s just not there yet. It’s not a split personality or anything like that. He’s just a guy whose friends are holding him back–plain and simple.
As much as it sucks to hear, everything you said points to this guy being incredibly immature, and I doubt he has any interest in trying to make huge changes just to keep the relationship. More to the point, I am not sure he’s capable of the changes you deserve, as he seems very invested in his group of friends, and until they collectively decide to grow up, there won’t be many long-term relationships for any of them.
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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