What To Do If Your Boyfriend Makes You Feel Guilty For Saying No To Sex

Dear Heather,

I’m having a problem with my boyfriend. He wants to have sex a whole lot more than I do. Lately, every time we try to do it, it hurts me. And when I don’t want to have sex and turn him down, he gets depressed, saying that he’s a horrible person and that I should just break up with him and find someone new. I feel horrible and guilty when he says things like that. I don’t want to throw away our relationship, becauseI do love him, but I don’t know what to do about him getting so upset about it.

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Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Constantly fighting with your boyfriend is never fun, but somehow, fighting about sex stuff can feel a little bit worse. Although it’s important for couples to be on the same sexual wavelength, it’s never okay for your boyfriend or any other partner to make you feel that awful about not wanting to be intimate. Let’s address a few things here.

First, let’s discuss what’s going on on your end. This question might sound weird, but think about it honestly: why don’t you want to have sex with your boyfriend a lot? Is it because you’re not that into sex? Is this a more recent feeling – like, did you used to want to do it more, and now you don’t really want to? Is it just because it hurts you? Or is there something deeper going on? It is totally fine if you aren’t super into sex and you just feel disinterested in it. But a lot of the time when sex declines in a relationship, it’s because of more emotional issues that people don’t want to confront. It could be because you’re not happy in the relationship or you aren’t attracted to your BF anymore, or something like that. So really think about why you don’t want to do it.

If the main reason you haven’t been interested in sex is because it hurts, here are a few more questions for you. Has it always felt painful to have sex, or is this a more recent development? Do you ever feel other symptoms down there, like excess discharge, strong odors, pain while urinating, or anything like that? If so, head to a doctor. If the pain is new, it could be because you don’t want to have sex and you’re kind of forcing yourself – if you’re not turned on, you might not be wet enough. If it’s an emotional thing – that you’re not happy with this person – that can translate to pain down there during sex. If it has always been painful for you, maybe you need to try lube or going slower.

Okay, now let’s discuss what your boyfriend is doing to you. It’s completely normal to feel hurt, disappointed, and a little self-conscious when anyone, even a long-term partner, turns down sex with you. It’s a sensitive thing, and depending on your self-esteem, it might make you feel really crappy. So, I can understand why your BF might be bummed when you don’t want to have sex, if that happens quite often. BUT. Even if he is feeling that way, it’s not okay or fair for him to make you feel bad by saying those dramatic statements to you. Whether he realizes it or not, telling you that makes him “depressed” and basically threatening to end the relationship is manipulative. It’s trying to guilt you into sex, which is not fair to you at all.

I say “whether he realizes it or not” because sometimes people (especially people with depression or confidence issues) don’t 100 percent realize that their “woe is me” statements are actually manipulative. They’re so wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings that they aren’t thinking about yours – they’re only thinking about what they want and how it’s making you feel. It’s possible that that what’s happening with him, but it’s also possible that he knows exactly what he’s doing and is using your guilt to his advantage. Both cases are types of emotional abuse in different ways, and neither are something you should ever have to deal with.

Listen: if you don’t want to have sex, that’s okay. You should never feel forced into it. You should never be made to feel bad because of that, especially by the person you’re supposed to trust and depend on. You don’t have to have sex when someone else wants to, and you aren’t obligated to do it just because he’s your boyfriend.

That said, sex is an important part of a relationship for a lot of people. If you guys don’t want the same things sexually, that’s okay, but maybe it’s a sign that you’re not exactly compatible. Of course, a relationship is more than sex, but if someone always wants to do it and you don’t, you’re both entitled to those feelings – but then maybe you aren’t the best fit together. Do you see what I’m saying? I think you need to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that he’s hurting you and pushing you away. Try to get to the bottom of your own feelings first. You might care for and have love for your boyfriend, but maybe this relationship has run its course. Or, maybe you guys just need to talk about some things in order to work it out. Whatever you do, don’t ignore this or accept it – you don’t need to put up with this behavior. Good luck!

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

What To Do When Your BFF Chooses Her BF Over You

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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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