This post is about a word that I cannot say on this website (For decency and modesty reasons, which we at Gurl are, of course, famous for). It is one that you know, however, and one that I can also imply (and have implied, right in the title), through a series of consonants, one vowel, and a few choice asterisks.
You get it? You get it. (It’s “f**kboy.”) In case you aren’t familiar, this is the all-encompassing term for an unfortunate affliction that strikes most, if not all, guys from the ages of around sixteen to twenty-five (or, quite possibly, eternity – nobody seems to know for sure) that renders them incapable of forming human relationships with anyone who is not a male of the same variety, as well as becoming living symbols of all that is terrible and wrong in the free world today – Supreme t-shirts, being glued to their cell phones (which are almost always dying, due to a crippling Tinder dependency), ignoring a text only to respond months later to say, simply, “Wyd?”
In fact, this malaise is so common that there are about ten million articles on the web that describe not only how to spot a f**kboy, but also how to tell exactly what kind of f**kboy one is dealing with. I always laugh when I read this particular type because they all either seem to be describing different facets of one individual guy, or literally every type of guy in the world, which just confirms, really, a cliche that we all know to be true–to know one f**kboy is to know them all.
Still, I, too, found it necessary to make a f**kboy type identifier. A girl will encounter so many over the course of her life, after all, whether romantically or not–so, check out the different types of f**boys you are bound to encounter at one point or another:
1. The Standard-Issue:
Here I turn to, as I often do, my favorite f**kboy definition from Urban Dictionary–“relies on his mom, but doesn’t respect women.” Constantly objectifies women. Often sends winky faces with little-to-no-context. You know the drill.
2. The No-Holds-Barred Variation:
The “I’m you, but stronger” version of the standard-issue f**kboy–but, while the first kind is mostly harmless, this one definitely is not. He blatantly checks Tinder in front of you. He has an honest-to-god, pen on paper ranking of girls, which you know because you have seen it, when he showed it to you. Once, he tried to push you off of an escalator when you asked him if he has the early lunch period or the later lunch period, because the word “later” implies attachment and makes him “nauseous.”
3. The Art School Edition:
This boi has gone to art school, is in art school, or will be going to art school. You know this because he has told you many, many times. He does performance art. He loves “film.” One time, he told you to come over because he “has a vape now,” and while you wanted to think that it was a joke, you knew in your heart that it was not.
4. The Hypebeast Variation:
He tells you “reads Four Pins” but has not yet realized that they do not actually write articles anymore and only post memes on Twitter. (To be fair, he does read the memes.) He has bought a used Supreme t-shirt for $500. He dresses like Justin Bieber, and either counts him among one of his idols or one of his nemeses. Has more Instagram followers than you, probably.
5. The Jock Edition:
He plays hockey. He doesn’t understand why you don’t think that’s as cool as he does.
6. The “Woke Male Feminist” breed:
This guy has taken a Women’s and Gender studies class; purely by accident, of course, after registering for the wrong class during Freshman orientation. It was a formative experience for him, though, seeing as he literally did not understand that women are people too until he was forced to read some third-wave feminist theory. Now, he’s all, like, “subvert the patriarchy….. you can buy me pizza, girl. Subvert the patriarchy… you can take your own nudes before I ask for them.”
7. The Once and Future Frat Star:
Here is a boy–named “Chad” or “Chet,” probably–who never met a good boat shoe that he didn’t love jamming his pale, clammy, Connecticut-bred feet into! One day, he will work in a bank, as a “financial analyst.” He does not know what irony is. He once started talking about the fraternity he is in (or his “father” is in, and he will one day join, presumably) and never stopped talking about it. To this day, he is still talking, on the steps of the Vineyard Vines store in the mall of Fairfield, Connecticut. Of brotherhood.
8. The Rap God:
This boy loves rap! He cannot get enough of this rap stuff! He has, like, a stick-and-poke tattoo of one of Kanye West’s tweets on the tender flesh of his inner thigh. He thinks what Chris Brown did “isn’t that bad,” but, the gag is that this boy is that bad.
9. The Internet Famous Edition:
Here are some “accounts” that this internet-famous f**ckby might run: an moderately-succesful meme curation Instagram account that capitalizes upon the African-American style of memes without giving them credit; a Tumblr blog dedicated to photoshopping Ariana Grande’s head onto Grande-sized Starbucks cups; a “weird Vine” account that plays conspiracy-theory audio in the background of Teletubbies videos. It’s all niche market stuff–you wouldn’t understand it
10. The Normie Model:
The normie is dubbed “normie” because, well, he did indeed seem normal–you were texting, hanging out, being chill. Normal things. Then, for whatever reason, he changed. Into any and/or of the above. RIP, Normie.
What do you think of this whole concept?Do you know of any other types? Let us know in the comments!