What To Do If You Kissed A Friend’s Ex And They’re Mad At You

Hi Heather,

Ok so I just read some of your advice online and I thought it was awesome, but my scenario is a little different! My first makeout session was with a boy who had recently broken up with his girlfriend of close to two years – they had been broken up for a month by then. So I made out with him one time at a party. Funny, but not so funny, is that his ex girlfriend and I were friends, not best friends or anything, but we were lab partners and had a few classes together and actually got along really well. But we weren’t so close that I would invite her over or anything like that.

Anyway, I kissed her ex at a party and it was honestly really innocent and a special moment for me because it was my first kiss. However, three weeks later I got a text from her saying, “I heard you and my ex have been hooking up and I think that’s pretty uncalled for since we were friends.” WOW! We’re not hooking up! It was only a kiss. In my defense, they were broken up. But I can’t help but feel a little guilty even though I don’t want to. The bad thing is that if I see him I want to kiss him again and apparently he feels the same way. So I need some advice! The ex is going to the same college as me – chances are I won’t see her, but I would hate for it to become awkward between us. But I want a summer of no regrets before college! Help!

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Okay, Cliff notes: you kissed a guy from your school who used to date a girl you were friendly with through school. Now she’s mad at you, and you still like the guy, but you and the ex are going to the same school in September. Yikes!

I understand why you don’t feel super guilty, and why you still want to hook up with this guy. I also understand why his ex is upset and feels hurt and angry. Let’s tackle the ex issue first.

It sounds like one of two things are happening – or maybe both. One possibility: this girl isn’t thrilled about the breakup, and she’s hurt that her ex hooked up with someone else. It could have been anyone, but it was you, and she knows you, so she is taking her anger and sadness out on you. Maybe you guys aren’t very close, but because she spent time with you, she’s making this more about the fact that you betrayed her so that she doesn’t have to tell the truth to herself or anyone else: she isn’t over him. Instead, she can say she’s mad because you were her friend, which makes her look less “pathetic.” See what I mean?

The other possibility is that she did actually consider you a friend, maybe more than you considered her a friend. And maybe she genuinely is hurt that you kissed her ex, because she thought of you as someone she could trust.

Either way, I think it’s a good idea for you to apologize and talk to her in an honest way – especially since you guys are going to the same college in the fall. You’re right, you didn’t do anything wrong – they were broken up, you didn’t think you and the girl were that close – but still, she’s hurt, and you guys definitely were friendly, so the nicest thing to do is just talk about it. Call her or something and say, “Hey, I’m sorry that my kiss with so-and-so hurt you. I just want you to know we aren’t hooking up – we only kissed once. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I didn’t think it would since you guys broke up. I don’t want things to be awkward between us so I wanted to apologize.” Leave it at that. You don’t need to say you want to do it again (because if you don’t do it again, that argument is pointless). You don’t need to say you didn’t think you guys were friends. Just keep it simple.

If she won’t stop arguing with you, or she won’t leave you alone, ignore her. It might take her some time to move on and get over this, but you don’t need to be involved in that. You guys might cross paths in college – if so, just steer clear and ignore the situation. She’ll move past it soon enough, and she might not like you at the end of it, but hey – you’ll be okay.

Now, as for your guilt: it’s normal. At the ned of the day, you have to do what feels right for you. If you like this guy and want to have fun with him, then choose him over this girl. If you want to stay friends with her, then choose her. Whatever you want to do more! It sounds mean, but it’s your life – you can’t make every decision based on what other people want you to do. If this were your best friend, it would be different, but it isn’t. It’s your call, and whatever you decide, stick with it.

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

 

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