Ask A Guy: How To Tell If Having A Crush During A Relationship Is Normal

Hey Joel,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I love my boyfriend more than anything and would love to spend more years together, but I can’t help but think about this guy from work. He’s even in my dreams. My boyyfriend asked me if I thought about my coworker in that way and I lied and said no. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend,but I can’t stop my feelings toward my friend no matter how hard I try. What should I do?


Though most people may not want to admit it, having a crush on someone when you’re in a relationship is a completely normal thing. It’s not like there’s only one person in the entire world that you’re going to find attractive, so don’t feel weird that it’s happening to you. The key is ensuring it remains nothing but a passing crush, and you’ve already given the evidence to support that.

While I totally understand why it’s worrisome that you’re having dreams about this other guy, they’re just dreams, and I wouldn’t put any more stock in it than I would your average nightmare. Dreams represent our subconscious in different ways, so it’s not surprising that this guy you’re crushing on is in that space.

You said it yourself: you “only like your guy friend,” and if that’s completely true, then you have nothing at all to worry about. The fact that you understand how much stronger your feelings for your boyfriend are is all you need to remember, and know that in time, your crush on this guy will fade.

Along with that, while I advocate for 100% honesty in relationships, I totally understand why you lied to your boyfriend. It was probably more due to embarrassment than anything else, as having a crush when you’re madly in love with someone else can be totally awkward.

The fact that your boyfriend picked up on the possibility of you being into your coworker is concerning, though. It sounds like some element of that crush is seeping into your life more than it should, so it’s best to squash the crush right now. While the fantasy of this other guy may be nice, a short-term rush isn’t worth wrecking the solid relationship you have right now.

Find things about your crush that you don’t like, and focus on those aspects. In a short time, it should show you why you wouldn’t want to be with him, and that should eliminate those lingering feelings.

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Joel, email him at!

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