11 Terms For Sex That Will Make You Want To Quit Sex Forever

I am no expert, but if I had to take a stance, I would say that sex, overall, is good. It feels good and is good for you and if you put some popcorn in the microwave beforehand, when you’re done, you have a treat. But while sex itself is good, it is almost always impossible to say exactly how good it is/was/will be, because describing the act of sex is rarely, if ever, actually sexy. This is due, in large part, to the technical terms available for describing anything related to sex. Other than the basics–sex, penis, vagina, whatever–they’re all bad. Full stop.

Like, just think about the diction and syntax you’ve got to work eith for describing, say, sex positions or a particularly steamy scene in an NC-17 piece of fan fiction. There is “penetrate.” There is “thrust.” There is “member,” which is fine if you are talking about people who belong to a swim club or something, but nauseating when used in conjuction with other words, and in the context of sex–like, as a synonym for “penis” that you’d find in a sentence like “he used his member to penetrate her and began to thrust.” (See? That’s bad.)  So, my thesis is this: sex is good. Any word for sex, other than “sex,” is, as a general rule, terrible. Need proof? Looking for some abstinence inspiration? So, check out these terms for sex–both explicitly that will make you want to quit sex forever:

1. Sexual intercourse:

ariel-gross

Whatever. This is…fine, I guess, when you read it in a Life Science textbook. But imagine hearing someone say this. Right? Right.

 

2. Cunnilingus:

ew

From The Latin. It means performing oral sex on a female. That’s great! This word. however, is not great.

 

3. Fellatio:

hard-pass

Also from The Latin, signifying oral sex on a man.

 

4. Anilingus

adam-scott-ew

Eating ass. Great if you’re into it! The issue here, I think, is with  the root “lingus.” Or is it “anil”? I don’t know. We can discuss in the comments.

 

5. Coitus:

dont-like-it

Coitus–AKA sexual intercourse–is just a real bummer all around, yes?

 

6. Consummate:

bummer

To make a marriage “complete” by having sexual intercourse. Another bummer.

 

7. Conjugal:

no-thank-you

As in “visit.” Bleh.

 

8. Penetration:

stop

Do NOT.

 

9. Stimulation:

ew-sofia-vergara

A verbal version of that pervy winky face emoji.

 

10. Squirt:

gross-j-law

Gross in any context; particularly repulsive in a sexual one.

 

11. Panties:

shaking-head

No.

What do you think of these words? Which one was, uh, your favorite? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

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