My boyfriend is shorter than me by two inches and he also weighs less than me by kind of a lot. I love him very much, but being bigger than him makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve done my best to try to push those feelings aside, but the thing is, lately people have been making fun of us so much more. His little sister keeps saying how shocked she is that we’re together because I’m bigger. Our families constantly say things like, “You better watch it, boy, do one wrong thing and this girl will flatten you like a pancake” or “Oh no, there aren’t enough seats in the car, boy you should sit on her lap cause if she sits on yours you’ll suffocate.”
I’m always upset by this and I defend myself, but they tell me I’m being overly sensitive. I’m trying my best to not let this get to me because I love him, but I still feel like this is ruining our relationship. I sometimes refuse to go out in public with him because people look at us weird and sometimes giggle. I also feel guilty sometimes, because I see other couples where the girl is skinny and short and the guy is taller with muscles, and we’re so different.
This one is embarrassing, but our sexual activity is…. not that great. He wants to try so many new positions, but I don’t want to or I’m afraid because I might crush him. I do exercise and I have lost weight, but for some reason I can’t lose anymore weight and it bugs the crap out of me. My friends say if it bugs me this much then I should just break up with him, but I don’t want to. My family says the same thing or to just not worry about it, but they don’t understand how hard it is. I also try to talk to him about it, but he gets a little upset and I can tell this isn’t his favorite subject, or he says it doesn’t really matter if I’m taller or bigger. This situation has been bugging me and I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I was hoping you could give me some advice. You’re response is greatly appreciated.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Feeling uncomfortable about your body image, especially in your relationship, is so tough and can be a huge struggle for so many people. I just want you to know that there is honestly nothing wrong with the fact that you’re bigger than your boyfriend. Society dictates that heterosexual relationships should look a certain way: the guy should be taller and weigh more, while the girl should be tiny and weigh less. We see this in movies, TV shows, and in real life so often that we forget it’s okay to be different than this ridiculous standard. But trust me: you should never feel ashamed about being bigger than your boyfriend. Ever!
Let’s address your self-esteem first. It sounds like you’re having an inner struggle with confidence and body image – and being with someone smaller than you is only making it harder. These feelings are totally natural. It’s great that you’re trying to lose weight if that’s what you want, but you shouldn’t do it if you feel like you have to. The most important thing is being healthy. If you really want to lose weight, I suggest seeing a dietician or nutritionist – a professional can help far more than I can.
I wish I could say that feeling confident in yourself no matter what is something that can happen quickly with the right tips. Unfortunately, this isn’t true. Getting to a place where you feel good about yourself no matter what others say can take a long time. The journey towards high self-esteem can be long, frustrating, and a little heartbreaking. It’s something you have to actively work for, and it’s not easy. But it IS possible. Focus on the good things about yourself instead of the bad. Give yourself compliments in the mirror even if it feels corny. Exercise can help too – it’s not even about weight loss; it’s about how great it makes you feel.
Bringing these self-esteem issues into your relationship can definitely contribute to messing things up. Your boyfriend probably gets upset when you bring it up because it’s upsetting to him. He clearly likes you for a reason – he wants to hook up with you, he’s been with you despite what people say… he’s obviously attracted to you! When you bring yourself down in front of him, it makes him upset because he doesn’t know what to do, and he doesn’t know how to convince you he thinks you’re beautiful. When you constantly drag yourself to your significant other, it can eventually make him so frustrated that he doesn’t know what else to do – it’s just an easy way to make a relationship full of arguments and resentment.
You can absolutely vent to him about how you feel, but don’t put yourself down in front of him all the time. And while you should never do sexual things that make you feel uncomfortable, you should work to be a little bit more open with him about sex stuff. If you can’t be comfortable enough to do certain things with him, your sex life isn’t going to be great for either of you, and that’s not fair! If he didn’t want to have sex with you, he wouldn’t try to – I promise. But if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him in this way, things are’t going to progress.
Let’s also address the horrible things your family members have been saying to you guys. None of that is okay in any way. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive at all – I think they’re all acting like huge jerks. The next time they make a comment like that, get angry. Tell them they’re disrespectful, and they have to stop talking to you like that. Tell them how much it hurts you, and let them know you’re not accepting it anymore. Instead of crying and getting emotional in that way, get emotional in an angry way to let them know you won’t be tolerating it any longer. You shouldn’t have to!
Speaking of other people’s opinions, I want you to stop focusing on it so much. In a relationship, the only thing that matters is how you and bae feel. It doesn’t matter if other people think you’re a weird match. It doesn’t matter if other people make fun of you or seem different than you. If you spend so much time focusing on what other’s think, you will never be happy in your relationship. Focusing so much on the other opinions isn’t fair to your boyfriend – or to you. I know it’s hard, but you have to tune them out. I’ll make this personal – my boyfriend is younger than me, and I get made fun of for it a lot! I just ignore people. Sometimes I get annoyed, other times, I pretend they don’t exist.
You have to realize that you will never be able to change the way people think – if they’re going to think it’s weird that you’re bigger, that’s their own weird issue. But you CAN change the way you feel about it. Decide not to care anymore. Tune them out, do whatever you can to ignore them, push the toxic people out of your life. Start focusing more on you and your boyfriend than others.
The last thing I’ll say is this – I don’t think you should break up because of what other people say. But if you are that unhappy with yourself, then maybe right now isn’t the time to be in a relationship. It sounds corny, but you can’t accept love from others if you can’t learn to love yourself at least a little bit. Maybe you do need time to work on yourself. Or, maybe you can be honest with your BF, and work on yourself while saying with him. Do what feels right for you, but please don’t let the stupid things others say be the reason you end things with this person you clearly care about. Good luck.
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