13 Reasons Beards Are Gross AF

Beards are gross. Full stop, end of story. Look, I know that the internet is obsessed with beardy men, but how long can this trend last? As someone who is Team Sensible Amount Of Scruff, can I genuinely ask what the appeal is of a full grown beard? It honestly feels like one day we all woke up, logged on, and collectively posted, “you know what’s really sexy? Giant, fluffy beards” then just accepted it as the new truth without any explanation. I have friends who lose their damn minds over the right beard and I fail to see the appeal, every time.

Okay, if I were talking about girls – and hey, some girls have beards – I would never get on any platform and tell them how they should and should not groom their facial hair, and you know what? I’m not trying to do it right now. If you are a person with a beard and you love it, rock it. If you love beardy people, do you. The world is a big place and not everyone is Team Clean Shaven. So, let me be clear: beards that are not taken care of properly are disgusting.

Beyond being relatively attractive to people who are into beards, they’re low key pretty gross. As in hygienically. A friend of mine recently opened my mind to it and now I can’t turn it off. Much in the way that you care for different hair on your body (we can all agree that pubic hair is different than leg hair or armpit hair, yes?), facial hair requires a different set of care that’s hard to maintain. Do you know any one with a beard who shampoos it and washes it out? What about anyone who combs food out of it? Cool, thought so. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Again, if you know how to take care of your beard, good for you. I’m not here to tell anyone what is and isn’t attractive. I am, however, here to tell you to wash yourself. Seriously. Here’s 13 reasons why beards are gross af.

1) The food. Oh my god, the food.

It’s like a face bib made of hair specifically designed for catching every stray crumb that deigns fall beyond your lips.

 

2) It only gets worse when you think about goopy stuff.

Wiping ketchup out doesn’t feel as thorough as removing a piece of food.

 

3) The never ending jungle that is combing through beards.

Oh, dropped some pizza crust in there. Let me just *begins journey, gets lost in the beard for days, dies of dysentery*. HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S OUT? HOW?

 

4) The level of upkeep is impossible.

beach touching

Who washes or combs out their beard every day? What about picking out crumbs after every meal? Your beard is never as fresh as it is straight out of the shower.

 

5) So it’s safe to assume that #NotAllBeards are fresh. 

Oops, I said it.

 

6) Which might explain the smell.

Wash. Your beard.

 

7) How do I say this… ever get beard burn?

That delicious chaffing that happens when a beardy dude puts his face near your face or body and you have a weird red splotch for a minute? Sexy.

 

8) Which leaves a whole window of opportunity for hair to get caught in other hair.

disgusted gif

Some scientist tell me how beards are basically velcro.

 

9) There is actual feces in there. (Maybe)

kylie

One study found that beards might have more bacteria than a toilet seat. Instant mood killer.

 

10) They helped make “lumbersexual” a thing. 

If we’re referring to the evolved “Dad Bod” – I’d like to motion we dub “Paul Bunyan Bod” – YES PLEASE. But, if we’re looping in Santa-like beards with this, that’s a hard pass for me, and probably you, too.

 

11) Us aligning beards so much with masculinity is a little problematic, if I’m being real.

I get it, beards are masculine, but not all guys can grow beards and you don’t need a beard to prove that you’re a man. Ugh.

 

12) Let’s just ignore the potential for boogers in the mustache-area.

It’s right under the nose, don’t pretend it doesn’t happen, beard lovers.

 

13) But, to recap: beards are gross and have poop-levels of bacteria.

Yeah, it’s science.

How do you feel about beards? Do you love them? Do you have more gross reasons I didn’t think of? Let us know in the comments!

You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.

 

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  • Yamanu

    Written by someone who can’t grow a proper one. Yeah can’t be any dirtier then some people’s hair I have seen, especially that greaser 50 look, what’s the Trump boys sports. You don’t have the male hormones to grow one that is your problem.

    Let’s talk about that female germ catching Hollywood makeup some females have to wear, your know, can’t be seen without your face on. Base coat then layers and layers off the grease stuff, clogging up the pores of the skin, looks like you could scrape it off of the putty knife. Worst is that black raccoon look and the rubber cement look to the eyebrows.

  • Francine Mack

    I rarely eat out. But when I do I ask to see the kitchen staff. If ANY of them have facial hair, I walk out. And I am not the only person I know who does this. The LAST thing I want is some dude’s nasty gross dirty filthy disgusting facial hair falling out into my food. I’m sick now. I think I will go fast for a couple days

  • Lickmyballs

    You’re just an idiot that knows nothing about beards. You can’t grow a beard? Get over it. I bet you that my beard is cleaner than your hair.

  • S B

    Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you. As a guy who used to wear a mustache 10 years ago, I decided not to back then, and have not gone back since.

    I’m noticing it here since 2016 and I live in Toronto, Canada. Every young male under 35 now has long black or brown beards. And I mean EVERY one of them. You can’t find anybody under 35 who doesn’t have a beard. Older guys like us still have some sense left in us and don’t follow this craze mindlessly. Now I’m not against beards. Some men have beards (Dumbledore, for example) and they look good in them. But when you see every idiot on the street and in shops and restaurants and in offices having ridiculous beards there can be only one explanation to it.

    They feel inadequate without it.

    And to be honest, many guys have beards that are so ugly it makes me throw up. A good beard is a rarity. And those who have a good beard always knew it, and they have always had it. But now? It’s crazy. Guys who shouldn’t have a beard are growing it. Maybe they feel like they have their *** cut off or something if they don’t grow a beard. Guys have become so completely insecure about themselves. And it’s ugly for most of them. Downright ugly. Most guys have beards that look just like it’s pubic hair growing on their face. Yuk, yuk and yuk.

    I have developed a new-found love for Asian people. They don’t have beards, and it is so refreshing to see a normal human male face without the disgusting clutter of a mis-shapen ugly, dirty looking beard.

    • Lickmyballs

      You can’t grow a beard, we get it, go cry to a corner

      • S B

        With a crass ID like yours I can see the quality of human males who would want to grow beards. Your ID reflects your attitude. Thank you for your reply. I now understand why beards do indeed look like pubic hair on the face. With people having your ID supporting the case for beards, the case is indeed closed. There is in fact, no case.

        Young men wearing long beards are insecure (Short, trimmed beards are fine). You grow long beards because you feel insecure without a beard. You literally, and figuratively, hide behind your beard. And the more insecure a young man is today, the longer is his beard.

        • Brandon

          You sound just like a beta cuck. Just cut your dick off now you don’t deserve to be a man.

  • Max Chester

    Thank you for this. To every man, everywhere, straight Gay or whatever- go shave immediately. Beards belong on Moses, Jesus, God, Abraham Lincoln, and maybe General Grant – on everyone else, they’re just lazy and grotesque. (I think that’s the funniest thing I ever wrote!)

    • Lickmyballs

      You can’t grow a beard? Get over it loser, gross must be your face