Most people have big plans for their first kiss. They think it’s going to be some big, momentous affair in which everything is just right–the stars will align to make it so that the location will be perfectly suited for the mood, the tongue-to-spit ratio is perfect, and it will last just the right amount of time. But usually, the reality, however, is, uh, not that. The stars are not aligned. The location is usually more “back of the biology classroom during free period” than anything else, the tongue-to-spit ratio is woefully askew, and the timing…leaves something to be desired. Maybe it’s too long, maybe it’s too short, but either way–it’s not great.
The good news?There is not a human being of woman born whose first kiss wasn’t deeply, truly, and unconscionably awkward and embarrassing. So, whether thoughts of your first kiss are still making you cringe, or your first kiss hasn’t happened yet but you’re terrified of what you might do when it happens, stop. Seriously. Deep breath. Just check out these embarrassing things you thought only you did during your first kiss:
1. Get hella-sweaty palms beforehand.
2. Do awkward things with your hands so your crush won’t have to come into contact with said hands.
3. Try to lead up to it with some witty, flirty banter,only to have it ruin the mood.
4. Give yourself a pep talk in your head (‘you can do this! You’re a champ! You’re a gorgeous bitch and nothing can stop you!), but accidentally say it out loud.
5. Start to lean in, get scared, and lean back out. Just as Sheryl Sandberg would have wanted.
6. Or accidentally turn your head away when your crush tries to kiss you. Nerves!
6. Try to remember everything you’ve read in those “kissing advice” articles, only to come up blank.
7. So you “wing it”–AKA just kinda swirl your tongue around enthusiastically and hope for the best.
8. Start to use your tongue, wonder if you’re doing it right, and then realize that this wondering has made it so that you have stopped doing anything with it at all, and it is just kind of lying there like a dead, limp, flaccid fish.
9. Realize that you forgot to take out your gum and, as a result, it is now inside your crush’s mouth.
10. Have someone (a teacher, parent, whatever) walk in on you, as is written in the First Kiss scriptures–that the most awkward possible person to walk in on you during your first kiss must walk in on you during your first kiss.
11. Accidentally follow the kiss up with something bizarrely awkward, like a hand shake or a high five.
Have you had your first kiss? What was it like? Let us know in the comments!