Back when I started middle school, cell phones were still super dinky. We’d have to wait a couple of years before color screens made their debut, and a couple more after that before the iPhone popped up. So I’m talking about some really humble days of the cell phone, when they were officially a necessity, but still a big deal to have one as a pre-teen. One of my best friends had the most tricked out cell phone I’d seen. It was a big ol’ Nokia phone that had a lemon scented phone case. Yes, a case with little texturized lemon slices that smelled like lemons, straight from Japan. In retrospect, it smelled more like the kind of cleanser you’d clean a bathroom with, but whatever, it was dope.
As phones have changed, so have their accessories. Little phone charms were huge before smartphones dominated, and now you can only really show off your phone’s “cool factor” by having a killer case or something. But there’s also a huge market these days for cool cell phone attachments that aren’t just for aesthetics; they have functional purposes. For example, you can get an attachment that will give your camera a fish bowl lens. And then there’s the classic selfie stick, which, well, makes selfie taking a lot easier (albeit a lot more obnoxious, too, if you’re in public). I can’t even hate on the little kid who created Pokeglo, an accessory that helps Pokemon Go players see when they’re trying to catch ’em all at night time. But there are so many other cell phone accessories that are just…wack. Like, straight up ridiculous. Check out these 13 cell phone accessories that you should never buy. Seriously, how did it come to this?
We’re officially in the future now: A cell phone case that doubles as a vibrator! Considering the fact that our cell phones are dirtier than a toilet seat, I’m a bit grossed out by the idea of my bits getting anywhere near my cell phone, but hey…when this baby is finally for sale, plenty of people will buy it, I’m sure.
2. Belfie Stick
I honestly thought this was a joke when it first came out, but it’s all too real. Selfie sticks are one thing, but a selfie stick specially designed to take butt pics? Genius or ridiculous? Maybe a little of both? Well, I guess for the people out there who are tired of trying too hard to send the perfect booty pic to bae, this is a lifesaver.
Maybe I have a hard time empathizing because I have massive hands, but this is absolutely ridiculous. We use our cell phones so much throughout the day, so wouldn’t someone have to keep this on at all times for it to even be worth owning? LOL, bye.
4. Selfie Brush
I’m all about that selfie life. But who really needs to make sure that they have a brush attached to their phone at all times? Who needs to brush their hair so badly that they can’t just have a real brush in their purse, use it, and then snap a selfie?
Like…what? NOBODY NEEDS TO BRUSH THEIR HAIR THAT BADLY. Also, who wants hair all up on their phone?
5. Hand Case
I…just don’t know. Maybe this is for people who get lonely? Japan never fails to bring on the weirdness, though. At least they’re consistent!
So, for $70 you can buy this glowing box that alerts you of when your aunt accidentally replies to your selfie on Facebook with a totally unrelated question about when you’re coming by for a visit…without being near your phone. Wow, cool! Except, it’s really not that cool at all. First of all, let’s be real: We’re by our phones almost all of the time, and most notifications aren’t important enough for us to spend $70 to know about them in pixilated box form.
Technically not for a cell phone, but it’s for a tablet. Either way, I’m unsure as to why a baby needs to play with some iPad apps while they learn how to poop on their own. Like…this is the definition of doing the most.
Getting the right light for your selfie is important, but important enough to drop $55 on a phone case that has LED lights attached to the front? Naw.
9. Gun Case
In today’s episode of The Worst Ideas Anyone Has Ever Had, we’re featuring a phone case that looks like a gun. Wow, what could go wrong? (Except everything).
Attention bath lovers: You could guy this inflatable pillow with a waterproof cell phone holder! Or, you could just not look at your phone for 10 minutes, damn.
11. Selfie Fan
The idea that this dinky little fan will provide enough power to supply anyone with a glamorous, model worthy selfie is pretty funny. But for $2, hey, go for it.
Nothing wrong with a portable cell phone charger, but one that doubles as a hand warmer? Cute in theory. But in practice? Um, not very practical. What are you supposed to do, have one hand holding your phone and getting cold, while the other is wrapped around the heated charger? ARe you meant to alternate hands? Just get some touchscreen gloves, a normal portable charger, and keep it movin’.
13. Banana Case
Love yourself, please.
Okay, ‘fess up: Which of these accessories would you actually buy? Tell us in the comments!