Welp. If you have somehow been concerned with “more important things” lately, and have somehow missed out on the Hot Goss (a cool way to say “tantalizing gossip,” FYI) that went down on July 17th, 2016, it’s about time you learned what happened: Kim Kardashian exposed Taylor Swift by posting footage of her approving of a certain line on Kanye West‘s song “Famous”–you know, the one that goes “I feel like me and Taylor still might have sex/Why? I made that bitch famous?“–which she had said that she certainly had not approved of before.
Of course, there is much to unpack in the fallout of this event. Did Taylor know about this video beforehand? Are Kim and Taylor actually in cahoots on this? Has a Snapchat, one single Snapchat, ever mattered as much as this one does? I sure can’t think of any.
If we must choose sides, personally, I am on team “Everyone Is A Snake Trust No One Hiss Hiss Hiss.” Yes, Taylor Swift has shot herself in the foot many times in regard to the “Famous” track, and Kim and Kanye have the receipts for each bullet, but recording (and posting footage of) someone without their consent is, if not necessarily immoral, very possibly illegal.
But in the end, who cares about morals, right? These are very rich, very powerful people with things that happen in their everyday lives that are very much unlike anything most of us will ever experience on even the most special of occasions. It’s practically their duty to entertain us all with their insanely unrelatable lives. We’ve already talked about how most of Taylor Swift’s daily life is so completely unrelatable that much of it appears to be a very astute satirical farce on celebrity culture, but it is probably worth noting that there is almost nothing that goes on in Kim K’s life that could reasonably be committed to a “Stars: They’re Just Like Us!” column. So, check out these things that Kim Kardashian does that you will literally never be able to do:
1. Perfectly time your exposé of Taylor Swift for National Snake Day and act like you did it by mistake:
Wait it's legit National Snake Day?!?!?They have holidays for everybody, I mean everything these days!
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 17, 2016
2. Spell “Snapchat” wrong but still entice people to follow you on it:
do u guys follow me on snap chat? u really should 😉
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 18, 2016
3. Publish an art book that is composed solely of your selfies:
So proud to share the cover of my book Selfish, out in May! Thank you Rizzoli for making this happen & being the best partner. A big thank you to the Donda team & Kanye for inspiring this idea & helping to design this book so I can share a decade of selfies in such an intimate & artistic way! Can't wait for you to all see this book! Xo #Selfish #Rizzoli #Donda
4. Become the face of LuMee, a phone case that has the perfect light for taking selfies, because you have published an art book that is composed solely of your selfies:
5. Post a selfie with Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton, but only to shill your LuMee light-up case:
6. Transfer $53 million USD into the joint account you share with your husband, Kanye West:
sorry I'm late to the party guys I was busy cashing my 80 million video game check & transferring 53 million into our joint account
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) March 8, 2016
7. Post a throwback pic of you wearing a gold bikini and belly chain and blame it on your daughter, North West:
8. Have your husband, Kanye West, throw you a “pregnant” birthday party, in which all of your closest friends and family come dressed as a pregnant you:
My husband never ceases the amaze me! He rented out the entire movie theater to screen the new Steve Jobs (It's sooooo good BTW) and had all of my family & close friends come dressed up as their best pregnant Kim look (fake baby bumps provided on arrival!) Not sure if that was to make me feel less huge or just a fun cool theme but I loved it & had the best time ever, feeling so very comfortable eating churros with a bunch of pregnant women! Just what I needed, the perfect chill yummy food birthday!!!!
9. Post this photo on the same night Beyonce releases a groundbreaking visual album, and still garner 829 K likes on it:
10. Create your own brand of emoji, made in God’s image (of your own posterior):
11. Post this photo with this “not-even-trying” caption:
12. …and follow it up with this photo, taken with your close friend, supermodel Emily Ratajowski:
13. Star in Fergie’s “Milf $” music video with your other close, personal supermodel pal, Chrissy Teigen:
14. Cover Forbes magazine after the mobile phone game based on your life earns $45 million:
15. And, finally, post this as a tweet as a preemptive retaliation to anyone who’s mad about your Forbes cover, though it can basically work as evergreen content for anything you’ve ever done:
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 11, 2016
What do you think of Kim K? Would you like to do any of things she does? Let us know in the comments!