Here’s the thing: 2016 is broken. I am sorry if I am the one to break this to you, but facts are facts, and, as today’s preeminent tween journalist/detective/model/DJ/influencer, it is my duty to report only the facts. Today, July 13th, in the year of our lord 2016 (the anniversary of the time Ariana Grande licked those donuts and caused a maelstrom nationwide!)
Today, the facts are as follows: 2016 is absolutely a catastrophe.
It doesn’t matter that it’s only a little bit over halfway through the year. It’s also not that anything in particular has happened today–EDIT: Calvin Harris just lost it, essentially, on Twitter regarding Taylor Swift and his bid for Song of Summer 2016, “This Is What You Came For.” So there you go–it’s just that everything about 2016 seems fake, somehow, like we are in a virtual reality simulation of society that has recently started experiencing some internal software issues. Discounting the really and truly terrible parts of 2016–i.e. everything that happened last week–there’s the election.
It all seems fake, is what I am saying. I would write this at the end of the year, of course, but it is very possible that we will submerged in the throes of an international crisis ,or, at the very least, submerged under actual water due to melting ice caps and an overall disregard for climate change. So. Check out the most insane things that have happened so far in 2016 that prove the year is broken:
1. The Oregon Militia:
2015:hey how's it going so far?
15:you've got an armed mili-
16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
— Kylie Brakeman (@sexypitabread) January 3, 2016
OH, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE OREGON MILITIA STANDOFF? Don’t worry. We didn’t.
2. Damn Daniel:
Damn Daniel pic.twitter.com/Va10hmpePO
— Joshua Holz (@Josholzz) February 16, 2016
3. Some MONSTERS threw VEGETABLES in the toilet of a public high school:
who the FUCK brings a bag of CHOPPED RED ONIONS to school just to throw them in the TOILET i fuckin HATE my school pic.twitter.com/jTHCIcV7iz
— fairy god mom (@lyxopk) February 10, 2016
4. Those problematic AF Kanye tweets:
My tweets are a form of contemporary art only compromised by people trying to tell me what to tweet and not to tweet…
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 14, 2016
5. Those grandkids who didn’t eat burgers with Papaw 🙁
dinner with papaw tonight… he made 12 burgers for all 6 grandkids and I'm the only one who showed. love him pic.twitter.com/0z0DkPtUiR
— kelsey harmon (@kelssseyharmon) March 17, 2016
6. Chewbacca lady terrorized us all:
someone in the office is watching the chewbacca lady video again
all I can hear is the laugh
will I ever be free
— Sara Hendricks (@shendrickslamar) May 23, 2016
7. The alt right sorta-kinda entered the mainstream, to disastrous results:
2016 is a catastrophe pic.twitter.com/qVwrr5RBDy
— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) June 28, 2016
8. Ted Cruz was forced to drop out of the 2016 election after it was revealed that he is the Zodiac Killer:
I did a face swap of Ted Cruz and the zodiac killer pic.twitter.com/60c5bJZsss
— Madi (@madddsmoore16) March 8, 2016
9. Donald Trump…continued to exist:
How is this not the most viewed vine right now. I'm dying. https://t.co/uouiAOVvy7
— Ben Winchell (@BenWinch) July 11, 2016
10. Hillary Clinton told him to delete his account:
Delete your account. https://t.co/Oa92sncRQY
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) June 9, 2016
11. Scott Disick got confused:
PLEASE PUT THIS IN THE MOMA pic.twitter.com/jge0EMDckv
— GITOO COOCHIE FRITOO (@gitoo) May 19, 2016
12. Jacob Sartorius became…a thing:
this is the worst thing i've ever read so now you have to read it too pic.twitter.com/QAW8KIxzlO
— TheThirdPew (@NathanZed) May 30, 2016
13. Brexit happened, throwing the EU into turmoil:
UK: So where's the 350m?
— nas✨ (@seoparks) June 24, 2016
14. And, in other portmanteau news, there was Hiddleswift:
These looks like stills from a film about a man who takes his weak nana to see the water one last time. pic.twitter.com/zz0VMpiPLR
— Sarah Kurchak (@fodderfigure) June 15, 2016
15. Pokemon Go ruined everyone’s life:
Tumblr thinks going outside to play Pokemon Go is the equivalent of hiking on the wilderness for a week pic.twitter.com/KdEQeCITXe
— Alex Diniz (@alexdnz) July 9, 2016
16. And, finally, this woman printed off Facebook comments and read them on the subway. Amazing!
A woman on the subway printed out 15 pages of Facebook posts and is just reading the commentspic.twitter.com/JEbnzM9ftR
— Alex Steinman (@AlexSteinman) July 6, 2016
What are your thoughts on 2016? Did I miss any of its insanity? Let us know in the comments!