I’m the type of girl who likes to search for and scroll through all social media accounts of every guy I match with on Tinder. You know, to make sure they’re real people and not posers or scam artists or aliens in disguise. I was already happily chatting with this guy when I discovered he has a girlfriend. She’s all over his Facebook and Instagram, yet he was flirting with me like… well, like he was single and hadn’t gotten any action in a looooooong time. I didn’t mention the girlfriend. He didn’t. And we hooked up.
Is it weird that I don’t feel guilty about it at all? I enjoyed myself, and I’m sure he did too. It was so fun I want to do it again. But at the same time I’m starting to think I should stay away from him, not because of the girlfriend, but because we might not be on the same page. There are no feelings on my end, but I’m not sure about him. See, every day since we did it he’s been texting me. It’s usually a greeting in the morning, followed up by a conversation that’ll die after a couple of hours, or sooner if I don’t make an effort to be chatty. Then at night he’ll text me again asking about my day, and will keep the conversation going until I have to tell him I need to sleep. There’s some really R-18 stuff in there too (which I am so bad at oh my god I almost never know what to say), but mostly he’s being very sweet towards me. Asking about my day and my life in general and saying stuff like “We should go to [some cool place or restaurant]!”…is this normal dude stuff after hooking up with a girl?
I don’t want to be a homewrecker!!! I just want to have fun with this very cute boy every so often, but he’s making me think that he wants to be more than just a booty call. Should I ask him what he really wants from me? Or is it too soon to assume anything?
Whew… there is certainly a lot going on here! Quick summary: you’re hooking up with a guy who has a girlfriend, and he seems like he wants something more, while you just want to have fun… and you don’t know how to deal with it at all.
Okay, let’s get real for a second.
Being sexually and/or emotionally involved with someone who is already in a relationship is not a good idea. First of all, it’s disrespectful to the girlfriend. Of course it isn’t all your fault, but still – you’re doing something you know would hurt someone else, and I’m sure you wouldn’t like that if it was done to you. That said, the second reason is that this leads to more complications for you. You’re stuck in a weird in-between place with no answers and only tricky situations, and that can lead to a lot of ~emotions~ and confusing scenarios. It’s just… messy.
This situation is especially messy, because it sounds like this dude either has no idea what he wants, or he just wants everything and is very selfish (probably a combination of both, tbh). Maybe he wants someone to hook up with while he stays with his girlfriend, or maybe he wants to end things with his girlfriend and wants to make sure he has someone to fall back on when he does. I don’t know, and it sounds like you don’t either – but you definitely need to find out. What you guys are doing is already really complicated. Not being on the same page due to a lack of communication makes things even worse.
I don’t think it’s too soon to ask what he wants. I also think you need to be clear about what you want. If you just want something casual, you have to say that – don’t lead him on and let him think something more serious will happen unless you eventually want that. Text or call him and say something like, “I just want to be clear that I just want something casual (or whatever you want). Are we on the same page?” See what he says. If you guys aren’t on the same page and he wants something different, I suggest backing off and finding someone else so that things are a little easier.
If you guys choose to continue hooking up, I do have a few words of warning. I don’t want to scold you for doing this, or to make you feel bad for not feeling guilty, but I want to be honest with you. Hooking up with someone who is in a relationship is a crappy thing to do. It’s deceitful and sneaky, and it’s honestly pretty selfish. If you’re just looking for someone to have fun with, find someone who is single – not only will things be less complicated, but it will be more fun because you’re not constantly looking over your shoulder. Just think about how you would feel if you were in that girl’s shoes – probably pretty terrible. Of course, this is 50/50, and he’s in the wrong as well – but still, wouldn’t you rather do the right thing?
At the end of the day, my advice is this: find out what he wants, figure out what you want, and maybe back away. Even if he ends his relationship, things are still going to be complicated, and if you’re looking for something casual and fun, I think you’ll find better options elsewhere. This guy sounds like kind of a jerk, and he also seems really confused and all over the place. Wouldn’t you rather hang with someone who has a better idea of what they want?
What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at firstname.lastname@example.org