It seems that every week on this here blog, I have some new gripe to share about those #relationshipgoals Twitter and Instagram accounts. I hate those big stuffed bears. I am skeptical of those “go outside” text messages. I hate the existence of the term, really, based on how most of the principles they push are low-key abusive. One might say, “Hey, wouldn’t your life be easier if you just, like, stopped looking at those pictures? You seem to hate them a whole lot.” And then I would say, “Yes, of course, but since I live my life in the pursuit of not great happiness, but great content, it often becomes necessary to do terrible things, and like such as the Iraq–” to which one might cut me off to say, “Wow, what a paltry existence!” To which I would say: fair.
Anyway. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of the usual–conventionally hot, fit couples making out in dimly-lit studio apartments with exposed brick and stainless steel appliances, etc., etc.–but something else has caught my eye, too. There has been an increased presence of animals in relationship goals pictures–and, not just, like, animals as accessories. Animals as the literal couple to be emulated. Take, for example, this video that BuzzFeed put out in February:
Not to fall prey to the typical internet tool of hyperbole, but, based on this presence of animals, relationship goals has gone too far. Too far indeed. And, yeah. People have been projecting human traits to animals since, you know, forever–read any Aesop fable or watch any Disney movie featuring animals in which the main character is suspiciously sexy–but there is something so particularly corny and cringeworthy about literal animals being used as literal goals for human beings.
But they sure are fun to look at! So, check out these animal “couples”–NOT TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO ATTRIBUTES OVERLY-SEXUAL OR HUMAN-LIKE ATTRIBUTES TO THEM, TOO, THAT WOULD BE SO LOW OF ME–that, if you so choose, could totally be your relationship goals:
2. Ah, yes. Relationship goals:
3. On one hand, I relate:
4. Who couldn’t?
5. On the other I, um, can’t relate at all:
6. What’s next? Marrying my dog?
relationship goals pic.twitter.com/FgZC2s79nP
— Animal Vibes (@Animal_Vibes) October 27, 2014
7. Marrying my cat?
this girl has my exact relationship style pic.twitter.com/HZZAlh3FtA
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 24, 2016
8. Dogs attaining the most mundane and depressing human characteristics?
relationship goals pic.twitter.com/eIVjoULloh
— Animal Confessions (@AnimaIFessions) November 13, 2014
10. Here is a, um, “sensual massage:”
11. Are you my goals?
14. Ah, yes. Goals:
What do you think of these animal relationship goals? Are they actually goals, or just weird AF? Let us know in the comments!