Ask A Guy: What To Do When Your Crush Asks You To Be His Backup Plan

Hey Joel,

This guy and I had huge crushes on each other for months, but he was so busy with school we never made anything official. He lost interest but didn’t tell me and I found out through a mutual friend that he was seeing someone else. He texted me saying that if things don’t work out with him and his new girl he wants to give us another shot. Is he only saying that to soften the blow? Should I send the message to his new girl? I should probably mention I do still have feelings for him. Please help!


I really hope you didn’t get too upset with this guy when you found out he was seeing someone else. You yourself said that nothing was official between the two of you, so there really wasn’t anything preventing him from going out with other people. If you wanted him all to yourself, you needed to be more proactive about that well beforehand, and an open conversation about commitment would have made the situation far different.

Going along with that, because you two weren’t really a thing, I don’t know why you’d want to reach out to this other girl. Did you want to say, “hey, me and him were going on dates but nothing was official” or something along those lines? If so, save yourself the embarrassment, because again, you two were casually dating, so there was no commitment of any sort. Think how you’d react if some girl called you with that sort of message. It would be random and awkward, so I’d steer clear of that route.

Not to pile on, but after he basically told you point blank that you are his backup plan, why would you even consider giving him another shot? From his words, he’d basically settle for you if things with the other girl don’t work out. You are worth FAR more than being someone’s second choice, and any guy who tells you that you can be with him if someone else says no – well, that person shouldn’t be in your life in any way!

I totally get what you’re feeling overall with this situation, but this is exactly why clear communication is so important to every relationship. When you’re up front and honest about how you feel and what you want in terms of commitment, it helps to keep emotions on the same level, and avoids frustrating surprises like this. However, it sounds like this guy isn’t big on just being with one girl, so chances are, you dodged a bad apple!

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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