I love going to the beach as much as anyone else who lives within driving distance to the ocean. Nothing says summer quite like a day spent in the sun and sand, but if we’re being real, going to the beach is seriously overrated. For starters, it’s a huge undertaking: even if you plan on going for just a few hours, the whole event takes up a lot more time and energy than everyone thinks. You have to get ready, you have to spend time there, and then you have to clean up afterwards. Summer crowds are a bummer, sunburn is worse, and is there anything more tragic than having a sunglass tan that won’t go away? The beach seems to be everyone’s default for downtime in the summer… but maybe it shouldn’t be?
Plus, some people just aren’t beach people, and sometimes it’s assumed that everyone is. Sand and salt air isn’t for everyone and that’s totally fine. You do you. It doesn’t make you lame to not be in the mood to go to the beach. Sometimes you’re not in for bagging snacks, a never ending supply of water bottles, sunblock, towels, and reading material. I’d be pressed if I had to bring that much stuff anytime I hung out anywhere. Throw some toilets that are too out of the way to be practical and put me in close proximity with obnoxious fellow beach goers, and you have a surefire recipe for a bad mood. Don’t believe me? These are 18 very real reasons why going to the beach is overrated. I rest my case. You want to scrub sand out of your butt crack for five extra minutes of your day, that’s your business.
1) Lugging all of your snacks, towels, water, and other supplies sucks on its own… add sand, and it’s a disaster.
Carrying this stuff around on land is one thing, but taking the resistance level up a notch by making you walk over long stretches of hot sand is the work out no one asked for.
2) Finding a spot on a crowded beach may as well be an Olympic sport.
It’s a combination of skill and timing and something that you only get with years of experience, so you basically have to train like an Olympian to be good at it.
3) Your snacks get sandy af, no matter how hard you try to keep the sand off.
Crunchy plums for the win, y’all.
4) People are always kicking sand on you when they walk past.
I know you can’t help it, everyone at the beach, but it still sucks.
5) The ocean takes a lot longer time to warm up than the weather.
If you live on the East coast, you know that the beginning of the summer ocean is super cold and takes until around July to actually feel acceptable to swim in. If you live on the West coast, your ocean water is freezing year round, so… sorry.
6) If you want to go in the ocean, you have to leave all of your stuff behind.
Cool, let me just leave my wallet, id, phone, and keys out in the open while I splash around. You can’t even get back to your stuff in time should someone want to take it. You usually have to leave a designated deputy to stay by your stuff, which brings me to…
7) It sucks being the person who has to stay by the stuff.
You borderline can’t even pee because everyone’s trusting you to protect them against robbery and identity theft. No pressure, right? And it cuts down on friend-time because you’re busy being on bag patrol.
8) Getting into and out of the ocean is never as sexy as it seems in the movies.
It’s like going through a bouncy castle as a kid, except you’re half naked and trying not to get smashed in the face with a wave.
9) Once you’re in the ocean, high tide sneaks up on you so fast.
Suddenly the waves are huge and it’s a lot deeper. You resign yourself to the fact that this may be how you die before frantically trying to swim back to the shore.
10) Dudes… sea creatures that brush up against you.
That hard thing was a crab, not a shell. That seaweed was a shark. Obvi.
11) The never ending paranoia of being caught in a riptide.
Jesus, take the wheel.
12) The never ending paranoia of sharks and poisonous jellyfish.
IT CAN HAPPEN, OKAY?
13) The never ending paranoia, in general, because ocean.
The ocean is a big, wonderful, beautiful, calming force and is the only reason why I like going to the beach, tbh. You remember those fish with hallow eyes, sharp fangs, and dangly lights hanging from the tops of their heads? Those are real ass fish and they are in the ocean.
14) Embracing the fact that everyone pees in the ocean.
It’s not as contained as a pool, so the gross factor is lessened, but we all have that weird moment when you swim through a warm patch and wonder “what if?”
15) Your life flashing before your eyes when you wipe out.
Nothing like flashes of your own mortality to welcome in summer.
16) The unspeakable hell of having sand in your vagina.
17) Napping on the beach means having an uneven tan or a super awful burn.
Use sunscreen and nap under an umbrella whenever you have the chance.
18) Nothing can protect you from having a crazy sunglass tan.
Raccoon life forever.
Do you hate going to the beach? What do you think is annoying about it? What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you at the beach? Let us know in the comments!
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.