Movies, as you have probably learned at this point, do not really depict things the way that they actually happen in real life. It is not actually that common to accidentally show up to costume party in a Playboy bunny costume. Teenagers hardly ever wear clothes that cost, like, $10,000 a dress. And, contrary to what the popular teen film Grease would lead you to believe, people almost never dance at their senior prom. It is all a lie!
The biggest disparity between movies and real life, however, might be in regards to sex. Obviously, movies are not real life, and they aren’t supposed to be. People watch movies because they are an escape from reality, not because they think it’s the way things actually are. No one is watching a rom-com to see a relationship that looks exactly like theirs–they’re watching it to see something resembling their relationship jsut enought to relate to, but is, for the most part, largely aspirational in nature. Like I said, movie sex isn’t really suppose
Still, though, there are some really, really ridiculous differences when it comes to sex in the movies. Check out these ways that sex in the movies is definitely not like sex in real life:
1. Everyone has (conventionally, traditionally) perfect bodies.
I mean, this is probably just the nature of Hollywood in general But still! It leads one to believe that everyone should have a six pack, and that everyone should have visible hipbones, and that everyone should have a thigh gap. Which is not the case, obviously.
2. Their bodies are, like, really shiny, too.
A small, personal quibble. But why are your bodies so slick and shiny, actors? I think they put actual oil on them. To look sexy, or something. Movie magic!
3. Foreplay is limited.
While porn tends to show a lot of foreplay, movies tend to skip it altogether. Like, a couple will be making out for like a second, and then there’s penetration (sorry for using the word “penetration,” and for saying it again when I apologized!!). Maybe the director’s cut has more foreplay? I don’t know.
4. Your first time is ~amazing~
Ah, yes. Losing your virginity in the movies is amazing, pain-free, and almost always results in a girl having an orgasm. This is not to say that your first time is automatically going to be terrible, obviously, but it probably will be a little more awkward, at least.
5. Both parties have an orgasm.
6. Shower sex is fun and good.
Fun in theory, but a very complicated ordeal IRL! Limited space, lots of loose objects around, high potential for slippage, etc.
7. Sex is neat and clean, with no clean up required whatsoever.
Again: Not real life. Sex is messy. Sorry!
8. Quickies are soooo easy.
Perhaps it’s the increased number of attractive people in a limited space, or the 120-minute cap on the storyline, but all these movie people are just trying to have sex, and quick! It’s not that quickies never happen; it’s that I don’t think they happen with the frequency that movies would lead you to believe.
9. It is also easy to have sex, like, anywhere.
People in movies LOVE to bang wherever they can. Desks. Kitchen tables. Against a bookshelf. There’s lots of angry, passionate sweeping, to clear off these areas. Calm down, movie people.
10. Girls NEVER take off their bras.
Must be a nudity clause in their contract. Good for them! Bad for REALISM.
11. Guys NEVER use condoms.
The word “revolutionary” was tossed around in regard to 50 Shades Of Grey when it came out last year because there was a scene in which Christian Grey…used a condom. This is odd, considering that it’s a movie about literal BDSM, which should be more controversial than condom use, but condoms are almost never seen in movies. So: Don’t try and find a guy who emulates Christian Grey, necessarily. But definitely look for a guy who uses condoms (because, duh.)
12. Changing positions is super easy.
NOT TO BE CRUDE, but in movies, it seems as though guys never actually, uh, leave the girl’s body when switching positions (SORRY). This is not the case in real life.
13. After you have sex, you and your partner both flop down, together, with the same dumb post-coital expression on your face.
What, I ask, is this movie trope in which a couple, exhausted after a vigorous bout of lovemaking, do that thing where they both flop down, in perfect unison, on their own personal pillow? This never happens, and I will not stand for it!
13. No one ever gets UTIs.
You know that thing about how you’re supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI? People in movies NEVER do that, probably due to time constraints, and that watching someone pee might ruin the pace of a narrative. (Or, possibly, because all movies take place in an alternate universe in which UTIs do not exist. There is no way to tell!)
14. In fact, everyone looks totally ~sexii~ after the fact.
You know, perfectly tousled bedhead, artfully swollen lips, a gentle touch of rouge to signify post-coital bliss. This is sort of based in truth, but the truth is messier. Like, hair is matted rather than tousled. Your face might be beet red. I don’t know. Maybe I am projecting on you. But this is what I know to be true, personally.
15. Everyone, everywhere is having sex aaaalllll the time.
The biggest difference between movie sex and IRL sex? The rate at which it happens. Many movies literally revolve around sex, who’s having it, and exactly how much they are having it. It might make you feel like you have to be having a ton of sex, but, IRL, it’s not actually that important. Like, you definitely can have a lot of sex if you so desire, but it’s important to remember that you’re not actually behind in any way if you aren’t having a ton of sex.
What do you think of these differences? Did I miss any good ones? Let us know in the comments!
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