What Does It Mean If Your Boyfriend Thinks Of Other Girls While Masturbating?

Hi Heather,

I can’t sleep or think straight. My boyfriend admitted to me that he thinks about other girls while masturbating and that he even went searching for the girls’ pictures to use. This really bugs me as he has also told me he has sexual dreams about those same girls. I don’t know how to get past it. I keep thinking about it all the time. Why is he thinking about other girls and not me? I’ve been with him for three years and right now I feel like my whole relationship isn’t what I thought. How do I get past something like this?

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I know that it sucks to hear that your boyfriend is thinking about other girls in such a sexual way. Unfortunately, this is a realization that, at some point, we all have to come to terms with. Not only is it totally normal for him to think about other people sexually, you’ll also never be able to control that… and trying to do so is only going to drive you crazy. I know that’s not what you want to hear! But in order to move past this, you have to accept that.

I’m not saying that you have to be happy about your boyfriend being sexually attracted to other girls – your feelings are totally valid and you’re allowed to be sad – but I do think you need to learn how to deal with it without making yourself feel really bummed out and anxious. You will never know exactly what your boyfriend is thinking about, or why he’s thinking about it. It’s completely out of your control, which means that stressing over it is kind of useless. You could end things with him because he was honest with you, but I can promise you that you’ll never meet someone who doesn’t think about other people during solo sex sessions. Even if other people won’t admit it, they do it. It’s a fact of life, and anyone who denies it is probably lying.

Sexual attraction to others is normal, no matter how much one loves their significant other. As long as your bae isn’t making moves on these other girls, he’s not really doing anything wrong. If he starts talking to or flirting with these girls, then yes, he’s going way too far. But just thinking about them? First of all, he probably doesn’t even really know why he’s thinking about them, and second of all, there’s probably no emotional or sentimental meaning behind it. When it comes to what guys think about when masturbating, it’s usually very primal and just about what gets them off. That sounds gross and skeevy, but it’s true.

Here’s what you need to remember: you can’t tell your boyfriend what to think about, you can’t control his mind, and you’ll never fully know what’s going on in his head. This is especially true when it comes to his sexual dreams – he’s sleeping! He doesn’t even have control over that himself. Focusing on this is only hurting you. To be honest, I don’t even know why he told you this stuff. This is the kind of question you don’t want the answer to.

It’s hard to give advice here that sounds super constructive and helpful, because all I can say is that you have to try not to think about it. When it comes into your head, actively try to think about other things – like why you love your boyfriend, why you guys have been together, the way he shows his love for you, etc. Focus on the good things about your relationship. If you truly aren’t happy anymore, or you think something more shady is going on behind your back, then think about ending things. But to be completely honest with you, I think his behavior is pretty normal and not something to worry about. Like I said, you’re not going to find someone who doesn’t think about other people in a sexual way – but you will find someone who can lie about it.

Give yourself some time to accept and move past this. And talk to your BF! Tell him it’s upsetting you and that you don’t know how to get through it. Maybe he can say some things that will make you feel better and more secure. All that matters here is that you trust him enough to know that just because he thinks another girl is attractive doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. That’s what it comes down to. Sometimes, it’s more about feeling confident in yourself than something that bae is doing.

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com

What To Do When Your BFF Chooses Her BF Over You

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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  • Myrta Hill

    Here’s the thing about why this article is crap….. it is NOT acceptable to think or look at others while masterbating. Here’s why. When you climax to porn or visual aids the brain processes it the same way as sex. So yes your guy physiologically is not distinguishing between fantasy and reality. This behavior has been widely condoned by males and the BS like the above mentioned article fed to us women. Essentially f you and your feelings and if you can’t deal your doomed to be alone and women have allowed it to get this bad in their complacency. There’s a difference between instinctual glance at a attractive woman and imagining having sex with her. The latter should not be tolerated. Marriage is a vow. Like a vow of celibacy or of silence. It’s hard to do and requires developing self discipline to achieve. If your guy doesn’t truly value you to commit to his vow to be faithful which includes his eyes and his lust. Then he doesn’t deserve you. Cheap novelty of others take priority to you and your feelings and you will be left with a superficial relationship incapable of growing to the depths of intimacy that us women crave. I’ve fought my own battles with this. My own partner took 2 years of fighting to get him to see that just because everyone’s doing it doesn’t make it ok or right. Finally he agreed to taking 2 weeks not masterbating to porn or images of provocative girls. When he had issues not being able to climax while masterbating and the frustration set in he realized that he really did have issues with it and stopped at least with porn. I still find him going to reddit and looking at gentleman boners. It’s a ongoing battle. But our intimacy is steadily getting better, our communication, and our sex life since he realized he’s taking his desire away from me and deprives me of satisfying sex when he does it.

  • Natalie

    what the hell? why would it be impossible to find someone who commits to not thinking about other people. maybe it’s hard to break a habit, but it’s not impossible trust me – as someone who DOES NOT THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE DURING ‘SOLO SEX’ SESSIONS.. we exist.

    • Ariana Telles Bettencourt

      I agree with you.

    • Jo

      Agreed. I also find it weird to tell her don’t think about it, think of something else. Um, couldn’t you suggest this to the guy as well??