At this point, you have probably heard that Drake’s fourth studio album, Views, was released last week. This week has proved itself to be a good time for me to reflect on how much I happen to love Drake. Or, perhaps I should say that this week was one much like any other, because this–Drake, and my love for him–is something that I think about often. I am not the number one producer of Drake content here on Gurl.com for nothing, after all. Now, am I *the* most dedicated OVO squad member in the world? No. I could never accept such a title when both Norm Kelly and this girl with a Drake tattoo on her forehead exist:
But, still, I love Drake a whole lot. I love Drake so much that one time, I was talking to a guy and I asked him if he liked Drake, and he said, “I don’t know that much about him, but from what I do know I feel like I’d hate him. He kinda seems like he’d be a little bitch,” and I said, “Excuse me,” and turned around and walked away.
This was maybe a little (a lot) dramatic. But who could blame me? Drake is, of course, a little bitch, but that is beside the point. Or, rather, it is precisely the point, for Drake’s admittedly strong and permeable aura of little bitchiness is only one of his many facets. He is also a known NBA enthusiast. A formerly wheelchair-bound cast member of the Canadian teen soap, Degrassi. An extremely swole dude whose buffness, despite having been around for almost a year at this point, still makes me uncomfortable for reasons I can neither fathom nor explain. Drake is also, as I have pointed out before, very much like a mom. He is not exactly like a mom, obviously. He is only like one in that many of his lyrics sound exactly like the quintessential text that all moms everywhere have been known to send, which is to say that they are bursting with emotion, rely heavily on the effect of ellipsises, and, obviously, grow stronger by the frequent placement of emojis. Don’t believe me? Check out these Drake lyrics that are probably also a text from your mom:
1. Actual lyrics: It’s a little chilly out there/How you can stand there is beyond me (“Keep The Family Close”)
It’s winter. You’re standing outside and waiting for the bus to go to school. Your mom, Drake, is watching you from the window, drinking green tea, bundled up in a fleece pashmina, and is very worried about you. Not worried enough to actually stand outside and wait with you, or make your life easier by actually driving you to school herself, obviously (the cold Toronto air builds character), but enough to send you this text. You’re also totally going to get a lecture about not wearing your good winter jacket when you get home, probably.
2. Actual lyrics: I try with you/There’s more to life than sleeping in/And getting high with you (“Feel No Ways”)
Stop hanging out with the kids who smoke weed under the bleachers during class. Your mom knows what’ s up, and she is *not* feeling it. It’s not so much that you’re breaking the rules–it’s that you aren’t living up to your full potential, you know?
3. Actual lyrics: I get you all you can eat/ Just have some patience with me (“Weston Road Flows”)
Your mom deserted you in the Whole Foods produce aisle so she could catch up with Carol from the PTA. You’re starving. You’ve camped out by the samples section so you have enough to sustain you for now, but you’ve eaten so many mini yogurt-covered pretzels that the people who give them out are starting to withold them. You are about to faint from the stress, but lo! Your mom shoots you a text that you can pick out anything you want to eat from the hot bar on the way home, a treat that is usually forbidden since food there is, like, a million dollars a pound. You’re so excited, that you’re tempted to go ahead and get the prayer hands emoji tattooed on your body.
4. Actual lyrics: You know life is what we make it, and a chance is like a picture/ It’d be nice if you just take it. (“Unthinkable [Remix ft. Drake])
Your mom will send you some faux-inspirational quotes she finds on Facebook from time to time. She thinks Gandhi said this.
5. Actual lyrics: Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time. (“Over My Dead Body”)
Another Facebook quote, but this one was sent with a specific reason–she knows you’ve been having issues with your personal nemesis, Monica, who’s trying to usurp you as Model U.N. president. This, your mom reasons, is borne out of jealousy.
6. Actual lyrics: The game ain’t always fair and that’s the thing though/ You can play your heart out, everybody don’t get a ring though. (“Made” ft. Drake)
Your team just lost the state soccer championship. This text, plus the “hang in there” cat is supposed to make you feel better about your loss. (Oh, and your mom is going though a phase in which she thinks saying “ain’t” makes her sound scrappy and cool.)
7. Actual lyrics: ‘Cause that truth hurts and those lies heal (Take Care ft. Rihanna)
You snuck out last night. Your mom found out. She’s mad. So mad that she can’t help texting you this during the school day, when she knows that your phone will get confiscated if it goes off during class. It’s almost like she wishes she didn’t find out the truth, so she could carry on believing that you’re the family’s perfect child, but now that she does know, she has no chance but to ground you.
8. Actual lyrics: All so convinced that you’re following your heart, cause your mind don’t control what it does sometimes. (“Take Care” ft. Rihanna)
But despite her anger at your deception, your mom knows that you would never do anything to deliberately hurt her. Right? Of course right. (You’re still extremely grounded, though. Don’t even try to get out of this one.)
9. Actual lyrics: You take my love for granted/I just don’t understand it (“Too Good” ft. Rihanna)
Good going, jerk. You didn’t write a thank you note after your mom sent you a care package filled with index cards, dried seaweed, and Emergen-C to help you get through finals. Now Drake, your mom, is all worked up over it. It’s going to take a long phone call to fix this one.
10. Actual lyrics: I don’t know if you know but I know who you are/You could be as big as Madonna (“Madonna”)
Your mom is so proud after seeing you kill it as “Unnamed Street Urchin #3” in your school’s production of Oliver! So, so proud. So proud that she couldn’t resist sending you this text before the final curtain call.
11. Actual lyrics: Just as I predicted, here we go again/They always say the hottest love has the coldest end (“July”)
You and your boyfriend just broke up. For the fifth time. Your mom is fed up with this on-again, off-again B.S., but she’s cognizant that the hurt you’re feeling is very real (and has also never been one to shy away from, uh, intimate details).
Have you listened to Views yet? Do you agree with me that Drake is probably your mom? Let us know in the comments!