It sucks having to exile your male best friend to The Friend Zone: a
totally fake remote desert island where they can only send you passive aggressive texts about how they should be your boyfriend and detailed explanations about why you’re wrong about your feelings. What else is there to do in The Friend Zone? They might need a few activities to keep them occupied. “But, you’re my friend!” you try to explain to them from reality. It doesn’t matter. Even your guy best friend can mire themselves in their own self pity in an attempt to martyr their character and “nice guy” qualities – because lest we forget, silly girls, we’re only attracted to jerks (it’s in our contract when we all subleased our gender and sexual orientations. Always read the fine print: women attracted to men should only pursue jerks).
In case you forgot, it’s your fault – personally – that these men in your life have failed to find love and human connection. Their emotional stability is your responsibility alone and sending them to The Friend Zone can easily be perceived as you slacking on their job or sending them to time out. That’s not true, and we know it. However, if your male BFF chooses to lose grip on reality and start victimizing themselves and blaming you for literally all of their shortcomings, the least we can do is make sure they have something to occupy their time. It’s a common misconception that all anyone is allowed to do in the friend zone is complain and whine like an extremely verbal toddler. If you have a male BFF who could use a list to help him bide his tenure in The Friend Zone, feel free to send this to them. These are the top 16 Friend Zone activities I could think of, but I’m sure I’m missing some – the possibilities are endless!
1) Hold your handbag.
That’s what friends are for! If their masculinity is really in tact, like they say it is, this shouldn’t be a problem. If they want to be helpful, Mr. Nice Guy totally can. This is a great place to start.
2) Count his kindness coins.
In case you forgot, girls receive kindness coins from boys, and once we receive enough, we’re supposed to give them sex. Again, this is included in the fine print none of us read
because it’s not real. If this is true, he can get his bookkeeping straight by seeing how many BJs he feels indebted to. If he tries to come for you again, tell him to redeem them with someone who actually *wants* to s his d.
3) Play in a sandbox.
Because he’s being childish.
4) Color in a coloring book.
They make some for grown ups if he’s too cool for Spiderman. I hear it’s soothing and his ass needs to calm down.
5) Write a persuasive essay.
That’s what school has been prepping you for, right? Tell him to cite specific examples of how he’s being oppressed. Male privilege is a lie and every definitive “no, thank you,” is just a window for debating your answer.
6) Give himself a dramatic pep talk in the mirror.
Or just a long, hard stare down.
7) Attempt to fly to Neverland, where he’ll never have to grow up.
Bye, lost boy. Go find yourself some pixie dust.
8) Try to get strangers on the internet to feel bad for him.
There’s an MRA reddit out there for everyone.
9) Loudly complain to every shared acquaintance you have that you’re such a bitch.
“Weren’t you best friends?” they’ll wonder. “I thought so, too,” he’ll say, not realizing he doesn’t understand what “friend” means. It’s okay. Some people are still learning.
10) Find a hobby.
Literally anything else to do with their time and energy would be great.
11) Wrap themselves in bubble wrap and fill the bathtub with packing peanuts.
#MasculinitySoFragile and they should handle themselves with proper care.
12) Expand their consciousness with meditation.
Slowly expand your awareness to accept that there are other girls in this world and that they are not the center of everyone’s world.
13) Reread every text you two have shared over and over again.
Bonus points if they take screenshots and send it to you like they’re evidence and they’re lawyers.
14) Strictly worry about themselves.
It’s cool that they’re concerned about your love life, but are they drinking enough water? Do they eat things that aren’t microwaved taquitos?
15) Strongly reevaluate what it means to be a “nice guy”
Hint: being emotionally manipulative isn’t something nice guys do.
16) GoogleMaps how to get out of this very real, geographic location.
If not, try Waze or simply getting over yourself.
Do you know someone stuck in the friend zone? Have you ever felt like you were in the friend zone? Let us know in the comments.
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.