Why You Can’t Find A Boyfriend Even When You’re Trying Really Hard

Hi Heather,

I’ll start off by saying that I’m a desperate girl in need of a boyfriend. I see couples all around me and I instantly feel depressed. Why don’t I have one? They say a boyfriend will come when you least expect it. But I’m trying so hard and expecting so much that I’m afraid that quote won’t be true for me. I just want a guy to love me and no other girl.

For example: a guy I had a big crush on asked me to go out for coffee. The day came when we were supposed to meet, but he never called. I asked him what happened later on, and he told me he went out with his friends and got drunk. That really hurt me, because I was so excite and didn’t even end up seeing him because he blew me off. I’m so hurt because now he seems to have lost interest in me. I don’t know. I’m just a sensitive person. I hate being like this because it always hurts me emotionally. Why can’t I find a boyfriend?

I get where you’re coming from with the relationship thing, and I’m sure many other girls can relate. Even though we logically know we don’t need a boyfriend to be happy or to be okay, the desire for a relationship can still be pretty strong sometimes. Unfortunately, this is one of those instances where the harder you try, the more elusive it may be.

Focusing on wanting a relationship that much can, in fact, make it harder for you to find a boyfriend. You might not see it, but that desperation for a boyfriend can sometimes be very obvious to others – and it is definitely something that can turn someone off. No one wants to feel rushed into a relationship, especially when they get a vibe that that is all the other person wants. It freaks people out a little bit, and it can end up pushing them away.

This may be what happened with this guy. Now, that doesn’t mean that him blowing you off is your fault. It’s not! He could have chosen a more mature way to go about the situation rather than just not calling you and getting drunk instead, but he didn’t. That’s entirely on him and means he’s immature and probably not ready for a relationship anyway. But he may have picked up on the vibe that you really want a boyfriend, and it may have pushed him away. That happens a lot. I hear my guy friends say it all the time – that the girl they’re talking to is too interested in getting serious, and it makes them nervous. It sucks to hear, but it’s the truth.

I think you need to take a step back from your hunt for a relationship. I’m not sure what “trying really hard” means to you, because that could be different for everyone. But I think you need to focus more on yourself than on finding a boyfriend. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but doing that is so important. I realize this sounds cheesy, but you cannot be happy with someone else until you’re happy with yourself. Stop trying to flirt with everyone and stop trying to set up a lot of dates. Don’t think of every crush as a potential boyfriend. Don’t read too far into things. Take things slow with someone and try to be causal.

Occupy your time with hobbies or your interests. Hang out with your friends and have fun! Do some soul-searching. Distract yourself. That doesn’t mean you can’t still want a relationship – you definitely can. I just think you need to focus more on something else. Trying too hard to find a boyfriend is going to make things harder for you, and it may even mean that you’ll end up settling with someone you don’t like that much. That’s not what you want! So take a step back, chill out, and try to relax. Good luck!

take care,

What’s on your mind? Heather can help! Send her your question at heather@gurl.com


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Posted in: Dating, Love Advice
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  • stacy freedman

    If you’re involuntarily single, it’s because you are not portraying yourself as girlfriend material. I discuss this in detail in my new book, “How Did She Get Him – Become Girlfriend Material and Ditch the One Night Stand & Friend Zone Label” (search for it on amazon if interested).

    Essentially, there are certain things men are looking for in the women they commit to and invest in. If you don’t have these traits and qualities, regardless of how pretty or smart you are or how hard you try, a guy will sleep with you or string you along but he won’t make you his girlfriend.

    The trick is to find out where you’re sabotaging yourself (giving off one night stand or friend zone material vibes) and stop doing those things, as well as understanding the desirable traits men want in a girlfriend and assuming those. Then you will find it just as easy to get a boyfriend as those women who always seem to be in relationships with great men.

  • Alvin Teo

    “Even though we logically know we don’t need a boyfriend to be happy or to be okay… ”

    Another self-deluding statement. Nothing more than a pathetic excuse when things don’t work out. Ooooh I’m very independent. Oooh I don’t need a man to complete me. Yeah you tell everyone that, then you go home and cry to yourself in your shitty corner. Truth is, everyone who says that wants companionship deep inside. It is biologically hardwired in human beings.