There’s no shortage of people, media, and general societal pressure telling you that you need to fix your body, specifically by getting skinnier. While that ideology is problematic in itself, I’m here to tell you what definitely won’t make you skinnier. I’ve tried to lose weight before, and what I’ve found is that there is a lot of popular advice out there that just doesn’t work. There is no cleanse, mantra, or superfood that is going to make you instantly lose weight. There is no fix-all solution that will magically make you skinny. Nothing! I promise.
Before we get into this, I just want to say this: You can, and should aspire to be things other than thin. I know that a lot of you think that being thinner will make you feel happier, be more successful or win over the perfect dude, but that’s not true. There is nothing wrong with being naturally skinny, but that doesn’t mean it has to be your ultimate goal.
But if you really want to go through a weight loss program and focus on changing your body, that is your prerogative. I’ll warn you, though: there are a lot of weight loss myths out there. I’ve seen these methods practiced by friends, read about them on social media, and even hypothesized about them on my own Twitter. I also tried some of these! Unfortunately, none of them work, and at the end of the day, it’s just about eating better and exercising. Not sexy, right? I know. Here are 18 surprising things that won’t make you skinnier:
1) Putting other girls down.
From your high horse, you say things like, “Grace gained a lot of weight. She looked so much better last year. What do you think happened? Her clothes are too tight.” Get off the high horse. Look down and see your unchanged body. Get on the scale to see if the pounds magically melted off and aggregated on to Grace. Look yourself in the mirror and ask if that’s how you want to show up in the world.
2) Complaining about your body to your friends.
It burns zero calories and does no one any good. It can also get more and more annoying over time.
3) Eating food that has “negative calories.”
HAHAHAHAHA excuse me, what? No. Celery is extra special? No.
4) Google searching “weight loss tips.”
5) Google searching “how to start running.”
I just searched for this. Turns out, you walk out of your front door and start running. You suck at it at first, but eventually you get better. The key, apparently, is to keep doing it. Who knew?
6) Starting your diet tomorrow.
In order for this to work, the word tomorrow must mean the day after today and will always shift meaning. Tomorrow must always be a day away. Tomorrow will never come. Your diet must start tomorrow, and you must never follow through, so get some loaded waffle fries and savor them slowly like you’re saying goodbye to an ex.
7) Saying that you’re going to go on a cleanse.
Unless your liver has stopped working – in which case, go to the hospital – you actually don’t need to cleanse your body of toxins. You have a whole organ that does that *for* you.
8) Buying Groupons for yoga class, kickboxing class, or a dance class that you never go to.
They sit in your inbox like little karma vouchers, occasionally peeping up to say things like, “Your heart and your dollars are in the right place! You’re doing a good job.” You bring them out as photographic evidence that you are indeed trying… but, that’s pretty much all they do.
9) Wearing a Fitbit.
You can step to your hearts’ content, but if you’re still eating McDonalds for two meals a day, your expensive fitness jewelry isn’t going to help you out. It’s not magic.
10) Buying clothes that are too small and saying they’re “for the future.”
Unless you literally have a time machine and you want to hand deliver the clothes to future-you, no. Just no.
11) Manifesting, praying, vision boarding, and meditating the weight away.
It can help get you motivated, but does not work by itself.
12) Re-blogging fit girls to your Tumblr.
Oh, Fit-blr… you never ending cavalcade of green smoothies and hamstring stretches. Who looks that good when they run or squat? How do you do it? Teach me how to filter my photos like you.
13) Hiding your body in a cover up at the beach.
You can’t self-sauna your so called problem areas. Also, problem areas aren’t real. Evidently, there’s just parts of your body you like more than the others, but technically the whole apparatus is still called “body” or “your body” if you wanted to be posessive. Sorry.
14) Diet soda.
Opposite, dude. Do you know what aspartame does to your body?
15) Eating like an Olympic athlete.
Those diets only work if you’re training like an olympic athlete.
16) Saying you’re eating for two, to help your friend on a diet.
Eating the food your friend can’t because she is unable to, while thoughtful, doesn’t make your calories cancel out. Your friend can’t transfer their Celiac gluten points to you because that isn’t real. You can’t pour one out for your homies when it comes to food.
17) Watching Jillian Michaels work out tapes while sitting on the couch.
That’s not how exercise works. Shocking!
18) Obsessing over calories instead of getting your body proper nutrition.
Eating a box of Swedish fish because you don’t want the calories from that sandwich wrap? Um, sure. You do you.
Which of these things have you tried? Let us know in the comments.