Going to the gynecologist is a necessary consequence of being someone who was born with a vagina. Unfortunately, it’s also awkward AF. It’s not hard to see why so many embarrassing moments happen at the gyno – between being forced to pee into a cup, having to sit with your legs spread open, and just generally being naked around near-strangers, there’s a lot of room for something to go wrong. While these appointments eventually become a little bit more comfortable and less cringe-inducing, they never lose their potential for mortifying personal stories.
The fact that your doctor is seeing, doing, and feeling a lot of things you can’t see (that they also don’t necessarily communicate with you) is embarrassing in itself. So, naturally, as one does in embarrassing situations, you keep doing weird things just to ease the tension, right? Nope? Just me? Cool, it was just an example. But seriously, nobody gets to be cool at the gyno’s office. It’s a truly humbling experience we all go through and we also all live to tell the tale. The next time you’re feeling like the most awkward person in the universe, remember these embarrassing things everyone does at the gyno… and at least feel better knowing you’re not the only one.
1) Forgetting about rountine, um… maintenence.
“They’re just like another book to them, they’re not really looking,” your mother will insist. Still, you’ve definitely had your freak-out moments sitting in the waiting room realizing you haven’t shaved in two months. You get worried about what the gyno thinks about your pubes or lack thereof. Even if they’re not judging you, you want to put your best… you know… forward.
2) Accidentally wearing old underwear.
How is it that the one day you KNOW someone is going to see you in your underwear is also the day you wear your oldest, grossest pair?
3) You aren’t sure which way to put the gown on and you can’t figure it out to save your life.
Wait, does the opening go in the back or the front? Okay, one size most definitely does not fit all. Oh, sh*t, you just ripped it.
4) Attempting to make small talk while your knees are spread.
Your bare vagina is just hanging out and you’re supposed to answer questions about school?
5) Commenting on the ceiling decor.
When small talk goes wrong, you bring up the most random things. While her head is in your vag. Cool.
6) Getting either really comfortable or really awkward with the questions your gyno asks.
Have I had any new sexual partners? Okay, so… what are we considering sex? I’d say that’s a firm “maybe.”
7) Moving around and hearing the tissue paper rip.
8) Clenching your vag muscles really tight when they say relax.
Let it be known, it’s very hard for your vagina to relax at the gyno, no matter how often they say you have to.
9) Saying awkward things like, ‘Everything okay down there?’
It may be quiet. You may want to fill that silence. It’s always awkward. They’re doing their job, you know, but give us some feedback, we’re going in this blind.
10) Accidentally queefing.
11) Accidentally farting.
Whether it’s loud or silent but deadly, both options suck, and they’re equally embarrassing.
12) Recoiling your whole body when something is too cold.
Shout out if you’ve upside-down army crawled all the way back up the bed when the speculum comes out.
13) Adamantly insist that you’re relaxing even when you know you’re not.
The speculum aka “duckbill” will test your ability to relax and kudos if you succeed, but most often than not, it’s very hard to. F-ck that duckbill, it sucks.
14) Realizing you might kind of smell down there.
CAN THEY SMELL IT? Damnit, of course they can, their head is LITERALLY down there.
15) Realizing there’s a bunch of discharge down there.
Well, at least they’re used to it? Maybe?
16) Annoying them with repetitive questions just to make sure that everything is okay.
But what about? And that? Really? Okay…
17) Getting paranoid about that goop coming back out of your vagina.
If you haven’t been yet, the gyno can use goopy things, depending on what they’re doing. If you’re getting a Pap smear, bring a pad so you don’t catch it all on your underwear. Because your underwear won’t catch it all. Um.
18) Getting paranoid that you’re walking funny when you leave.
Between that goop you’re panicked about coming back out and that speculum, you’re paranoid that it looks like you just had some rough sex even though what really happened was a very awkward doctor’s appointment.
Which of these embarrassing moments have you had at the gyno? What did we forget to include? Let me know in the comments.