As everyone knows, the most important quality for a woman to possess is that of objective sexiness. One’s thighs must not only have a gap, but also “thighbrows” to top them off. Armpits, obviously, should be sexy, because what is the point otherwise? And, of course, it is reasonable to expect that contouring should not only be applied liberally to the face, but probably to every other part of the body, too. How else is one supposed to be featured in a Hollywood film or have the chance to fight with twenty other women to marry a kindly dunce on The Bachelor?
With all these things to worry about, it is very possible that you have let some things slip–perhaps, in the midst of grooming your thighbrows, making sure your armpits carry adequate sex appeal, and contouring your ears, you plumb forgot to ensure that all of your underwear is “Very Sexy,” like the lingerie line from Victoria’s Secret (not to be confused with “Very Sexy Video ; ),” which is a YouTube video of a man panting heavily as he secretly films a girl on a beach who, in a surprising, problematic twist, turns out to be a man that I accidentally watched when I was trying to find the underwear collection). But don’t worry–chances are good that any underwear you own is, in fact, very sexy ; ). Find out why here:
1. Granny panties.
When the word “granny” and “panties” get put together, you know it’s time to get down to freakin’ clown.
2. Boy shorts.
Very comfy. Very sexy.
3. Your period underwear.
As Marilyn Monroe (never) said, “IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST YOU DON’T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST.”
4. The pair of underwear that has a hole in the crotch (on purpose).
You bought them when you were feeling “bold,” but are now a little scared of them. Channel this previous boldness.
5. The pair of underwear with a hole in the crotch (not on purpose).
6. The pair of underwear with the hole in the butt (that is unclear as to whether or not it is there on purpose).
7. The pair of spandex yoga shorts you wear when you run out of clean underwear.
You’re a girl of land who relies on no one but herself. Sometimes you have to improvise. It’s sexy.
8. That high-waisted pair with a cat’s face on it that you bought when you were like “I’m done being ‘sexy!’ From here on out, I buy things for me and me alone!!”
Look, I don’t make the rules here. These are sexy.
9. The briefs from the Hanes 3-pack your grandma sends you from time to time.
Nothing sexier than sensible, 100% cotton is sexy.
10. “Shreddies,” the pair of underwear that filters your farts.
Eat all the beans you want, boo. You’re still very sexy ; ).
11. Bloomers from the 18th century.
Yaaaassss!! Get it, kween!
12. The pair you wear when you watch Downtown Abbey:
A sexy pair for a sexy period drama.
13. Literally any pair of underwear you have.
If you want them to be sexy, they are. That’s that.
What do you think of these pairs of underwear? Are they actually sexy or no? Let us know in the comments!
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