I’m not sure how this happened, but Thin Mints are, somehow, the most popular Girl Scout cookie – they make up about 25 percent of total sales. I find this statistic strange, because Thin Mints are absolute garbage and it’s about time that everyone wake up to that fact. I feel like a Girl Scout cookie conspiracy theorist. We’ve all been brainwashed into thinking that Thin Mints are actually worth eating, when in reality, they’re the worst Girl Scout cookie (or maybe cookie in general) or all time. When Chris Rock famously sold Girl Scout cookies at this year’s Oscars, it was truly disappointing to see that faves like Matt Damon and Christian Bale, among others, had fallen victim to this vast conspiracy that somehow Thin Mints are worth eating. I thought they were better than that. Someone needs to take them by the hand and guide them towards some Tagalongs or Samoas.
This isn’t even about mint chocolate! I know that it’s a very polarizing flavor profile, but I typically stan for all things mint chocolate, especially ice cream. However, Thin Mints somehow wound up getting it all wrong, dashing hope of having a passable mint chocolate cookie. In terms of Girl Scout cookies, there are so many other better alternatives that I will never understand why everyone lives and breathes for “Thin Mint season.”
And you know what? If you are a card carrying member of #TeamThinMints, good for you. I’m not here to get you off that train (even though your favorite cookie is sub-par_. Do you. I’m just one girl with an opinion and that opinion is that Thin Mints are the worst. Off the top of my head, here are 12 reasons why they’re awful, but I’m sure I’m missing some because I can’t be alone in thinking this.
1) The chocolate they use on these cookies is greasy af.
#NotAllChocolate is greasy like the way Thin Mint chocolate is greasy. When you get Tagalong chocolate stuck on your fingers, it doesn’t slick the way Thin Mints’ does. I can’t figure out why it feels like the chocolate is coating the roof of your mouth after you eat it, but I’m not here for greasy chocolate anything.
2) You can’t binge them.
Okay, I mean you can, but at what cost? Eating a lot of Thin Mints feels awful. Eating a lot of Chips Ahoy feels like a well balanced meal, in comparison.
3) Ever eat a sleeve of thin mints?
Ouch. They come packaged in these long ass sleeves that make portion control/impulse control near impossible. Eating a sleeve of Samoas, however? Totally doable without being gross.
4) The cookie itself is dry and it sucks.
Admit it: you’re eating the cookie for the peppermint chocolate flavor, not because it’s a legitimately good cookie. Because it’s not!
5) No, seriously, Ritz Crackers are an acceptable substitute for the cookie part.
Don’t believe me? Check this copycat recipe tutorial that subs out Ritz Crackers and the blogger behind it says they taste the same, so…
6) They aren’t even a real cookie. Even the box says they’re “crisp wafers.”
Which is a weird way to spell “cookie” if you ask me. Cookie posers gtfo.
7) One more time: they taste like disappointing chocolate crackers, not cookies.
Ever have chocolate animal crackers or something else that’s dry and all-chocolate for some reason? They suck. Thin mints are no different.
8) Those holes on top of the cookie are confusing.
Why would you do that? I can see the indent where there’s holes in the wafer, but why have holes if you’re just going to fill it with chocolate?
9) It’s too chocolate-y, not enough mint.
You heard me. Again – I like mint chocolate, but making mint chocolate work comes from making the thing primarily mint and incidentally chocolate, not the other way around. Thin mints taste like an okay chocolate cookie that you’re confused about the toothpaste aftertaste.
10) It’s just a cookie and chocolate, nothing else.
It’s not innovative at all. All other Girl Scout cookies are unique and you have to wait for cookie season to roll around before you can grab your favorites, but Thin Mints aren’t innovative. You can get Keebler knockoffs any time you go to the grocery store. It’s just a cookie with chocolate on it. That’s it.
11) They’re, y’know… thin.
Can my cookie have some heft to it? Some pizzaz? Something not disappointing and wafer-like?
12) They are way too hyped up.
Maybe, in the end, this is all our fault. Maybe we created too much excitement for them, and they could never possibly live up to it. Will we ever know?
How do you feel about Thin Mints? Do you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comments.